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Ya’ll, I am so exausted! (and YES I say ya’ll- unlike some other Floridians I am ACTUALLY southern!)

After working about 11-12 hours total on Wednesday, I barely touched the first item on my “to-do” list for today before the hours zipped by without warning and before I knew it I was hauling off to downtown Lakeland’s annual Christmas parade. It was great weather and lots of fun, but I kept wishing I had just gotten work done instead. I am some what of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to hard work. If I feel like things are hanging over my head it is really hard to enjoy myself. This is yet another facet of “work at home” life: your work ALWAYS goes home with you! It squeezes into the five minutes Lil’ E is engrossed in “Dora the Explorer”, follows me into the bathroom while I oversee him taking a bath, and stays up late with me until wee hours of the morning while my dog snores at my feet. It is very rare to find “stopping points” or to take a breath in between projects, so there’s that constant tick in the back of my mind, always telling me to steal away another hour for some work.

There are many reasons why I put up with this, reasons which are not uncommon to any one who holds a job. First of all, I need the income. When I say that, I mean it. My money doesn’t support eating out or excessive car payments, it supports electricity! I also know that my work wanes in and out in volume. If I get no projects in January, I will be kicking myself for not taking all I could get in December to hold us over the lull. (This is why there’s no point bragging about all the hours/money I get this week, for they might be split three ways to spread into lagging weeks.) Secondly, I put up with the nagging feeling of always having more work to do because it is my job. There are a few things in life which deserve your attention. I miss lunch dates, I forget a conversation I had yesterday, I admit that. When it comes to commitments to family its a whole different matter, and to me, the same goes for work. If I say I want the work, and I tell my boss or a client I will get it done by a certain time, then gosh darn it, that’s my word on the line. I wish I were better at this in all areas of life, but some things gotta give in order to keep priorities straight. I feel badly when I have to put a friend off for hang out plans or re-schedule a million times, but then again if I hung out each week with every person who asked, I would literally be out of hours in which to do work. Lastly, I enjoy working to an extent. I would love to soley focus on personal writing, but of course THAT doesn’t pay bills, so who am I to complain that I get to keep one small foot in the door to the corporate world, to own a pair of closed toe shoes and wheel around a laptop from time to time while hoping for a small raise or promotion within the companies I do, basically, virtual or out-sourced administrative/clerical work for? All this while almost exclusively telecommuting from home, I mean, it is exactly what I desire: to be able to wake up and cuddle with my son, to be the one to prepare his meals and put him to sleep allllll day loooooong. I always felt like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world to have a child but not raise that child - ridiculous as in unnatural - to not have a parent or close family member be the sole providor for the child the family brought into the world. (Disclaimer: Of course, this is a personal conviction and one I DO NOT wish to impose on any one else!)

Long story shorter, to “squeeze” hours into my life in which I have honest to goodness “work” to do (aside from the full-time job of child rearing and home keeping) is a blessing and I have nothing to complain about. I simply wish there were more hours in the day, is that so much to ask for? Sheesh.

I know so many people feel like this. I hear every day people say how busy they are, and I can imagine! Between family, friends, holidays, work, church activities, physical exercise, meal planning, house cleaning, bill paying, pet responsibilities, travel plans, college classes - how are we even meant to have time for it all? I recall a time when, after just having the baby, my to-do list for the day was literally one or two points long: “Sweep and check the mail.” Seriously. The rest of my brain was taken up with memorizing when to nurse, when to diaper, when to bathe (MYSELF!), and how in hades to get myself and the baby dressed and ready to get out of the house on time for a doctor’s appointment!!!

It’s amazing how quickly we fill up our schedules again and complicate life with more DOING after brief pauses such as births, wedding, deaths, natural disasters or vacations.

Currently, my alarm clock is scheduled for 6 hours from now, so I can go meet up with some great ladies in my church and get “discipled by grace” (aka bible study, which I actually am “leading” tomorrow so I can’t skip this time!). I plan to stop at Starbucks on the way and suck down a triple tall cap for liquid energy. I have spent 15 minutes trying to work and re-work my agenda for the day to include all that needs to be done, but I finally gave up and will just have to trust that I will do my best and if things don’t get finished the sun will still come up on Saturday.

G’night! 

This entry was posted on Friday, December 8th, 2006 at 1:18 am and is filed under Amigos, Coffee, Current Events, Faith 'Flections, Lakeland-centric, Motherhood, My Marriage, Pop Culture, The Debt Drama