Welcome to MamaNeedJava! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

(Nope, no Lil’ E bike pictures just yet…)

As I go through one of my life’s most difficult phases thus far, it will probably come as no huge surprise that I also have begun to explore and strengthen my faith. I often hesitate to blog about this topic because Christians tend to be super annoying about how and when they bring this up (like at the Farmer’s Market with pamphlets, thankyouverymuch.) I used to be one of them, a “Jesus Freak” if you will, and I gotta say that it was by and large an experience that felt good for me at the time, and bad for just about every one else who knew me! lol I think the key piece missing was that my faith was a bit like an unseasoned bowl of soup- I just didn’t have enough experience yet (and still don’t, but it’s getting better) to stretch my view of God to include all the good flava! I was too wrapped up in following a bland ol’ recipe to the tee.

I have several laughable examples of how I diligently displayed my faith in my demeanor and appearance, but I won’t share them just in case some one who still does similar things finds it offensive. (But if you still want to laugh, I will inject a little humor here: I have a little Facebook “flaire” button that says “coffee makes me poop”. And since I just drank two cups to wake myself up before the butt crack of dawn, I need to excuse myself right quick.)

…OKAY - now that THAT’S taken care of!

Getting back to the whole “explore and strengthen my faith” part: I’m up this morning, (and most mornings, unless depression keeps me in bed until lunchtime,) reading through some books and thinking/praying about various things. I’ve just begun re-reading “Desiring God” by John Piper before bed, and I remember this sort of life-changing quote by C.S. Lewis that I first read in Piper’s book. Lewis says, “the Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” The idea here is that if we really wanted happiness and joy (which Piper believes all humans really want and will do anything for, and that to deny oneself that pursuit is the opposite of what God wills for us), and if that desire were really strong enough, we would end up finding God, because He is the only One who can offer infinite joy. We settle for all kinds of other pleasures — a relationship, a job, our child, food/drink, drugs, so on — in search for things like: meaning, self-fulfillment, intense “high” of happiness, escape from pain, and/or to feel happy.

Anyway, all that to say that my thoughts have been planted on this concept for about a week. How would I rate my own desire for joy, as I find myself in a place where joy seems unreachable and any joy I’ve experienced over the last 6 years turns out to be something a little more like … ignorance? Was I placing my “joy” in something/someone other than God (yep) and therefore was perhaps my desire for joy too weak (yep). Did I believe God would provide joy for me in something/someone other than Himself; something/someone(s) I could see, feel, hold on to, control, depend on, (and, ultimately, screw up royally)?

I told another recently that I was feeling like a little girl. I pictured the little girl (me) having taken some one’s hand in trust, expecting them to hold my hand while we crossed a busy intersection. Half way through the intersection, that person let go of my hand. I was scared and looking around, frozen in that spot, wondering where this person went and why they weren’t looking out for me anymore. I had complete faith in this person, I never imagined (as no child ever would), that this hand I grabbed would let go when I needed it to guide me across the path of scary noises and immense danger. My life was put in danger by this person, I was betrayed - but my understanding of my situation felt so limited, like a small girl.

I am thinking more about this analogy this morning and finding myself with more complexities to add. You see, in my analogy, I can feel really bad for that little girl. Boy, she really is the helpless victim, isn’t she? Poor thing! She must have been ill-equipped to make better choices, being that she is just a helpless child who didn’t know any better. The truth is that I came into this situation with choices, and I knew a bit more about the perils of the intersection before I decided to depend on that hand for ultimate safety. Dare I think it, I could have really made it across all by myself, if I had been depending on the proper Guidance. What’s more, I could have brought this other hand along with me, and when it let go, I would have kept walking with a confident little smile on my face, (perhaps wondering where the other friend had gone, maybe concerned for them, but continuing along in safety). The friend might have stumbled along the way, maybe they would eventually catch up and grab my hand again, or not — but I also know that they too are not a helpless child, and they too can learn to navigate the road without me.

I’m sure I’ve exhausted my analogy at this point, and I’m also sure it’s not particularly earth shattering to most of you, so I’ll move on!

My take-away, then, is essentially this: “Complete intimacy with God spoils us for anything less. Freely giving ourselves to Him and freely receiving His devotion becomes our holy pursuit. In His presence we see ourselves more clearly, allowing our continued healing and wholeness.” - Molly Ann Miller.

TGIF, folks.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 1st, 2008 at 10:02 am and is filed under Current Events, Faith 'Flections, Motherhood, My Marriage