it’s hard to explain.
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having these little (ha!) not-unrealistic-just-necessary needs –
recognition always a little unnerving.
don’t you see that in my own hands I’m churning
the cream of my pain and the fat of my heartache?
(one of these days my perseverance will be buttery.)
always taught to steer clear of self-pity, now I am told to FEEL
all of my “this is so unfair”’s and “I don’t deserve this”’.
learning the futility of questions beginning with “why?”
learning the injustice of statements containing “should”
I am a woman, a mother, a Princess Warrior say some,
but
usually just a stupid kid.
Inadequacy, Shame and Self-accusations are the three balls
at the end of the chain that I carry;
I took them on too long ago to remember how it all began.
I try to lay them down, lay them down, lay them down;
try to saw them off, saw them off, saw them off;
so silly, these attempts at freedom because
deep down, (twisted heart of mine), I still agree I need them.
Fist to the wind, I’ll curse and I’ll spit
until all that raging has left me empty -
powerless -
exhausted -
ready
to take a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty step forward.
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