Welcome to MamaNeedJava! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

You probably can’t help but notice the redesign I did today- seems like this just has to be done sometimes, esp since I usually play with a wp-theme so much it becomes pretty dysfunctional!

After like 3 months of looking for the right free wordpress theme, I finally decided on Pitr. I’m sure I’ll play with the background, header, and colors allllll the time, but I do like the basic layout of his theme. Since some of you have written me about various problems with the last theme in your browser, I’m hoping this clean slate will help with that. I appreciate the feedback!

So enjoy! And let me know if you like it!

Dear Diary,

8:45am: I woke up later than I wanted to, for I had to be at work by 10 am which is like SO early for a WAHM to be decently dressed and walking 1/2 mile to pick up the #4 to downtown, ready to pull off my first ever Podcasting experience. It was all the windows fault. There was too much light coming in last night and I couldn’t sleep. So I did what all of us po’ folk do- I grab the nearest blanket I could live without and stuffed it up around the top of the mini-blinds so as to create makeshift drapes. That was about midnight or so, I suppose. So in the morning, when I normally get up by at least 7:30, it was nice and dark and quiet (just so happens Lil’ E ALSO slept in … thankyoujesus.)

9:15am: Catch the #6 instead so I can make a stop at the Starbucks for a quick po’ folk 8 oz. coffee, then catch the MAX from the convention center into downtown. Wait for the MAX for what felt like forever, coffee already cold, and a few sightings of snowflakes. It was a very rainy day and I was cute dumb enough to wear little gray ballet looking slip-ons. Real good, Viv, real good.

9:59am: Arrive to the office with one minute to spare, having bounded through the rain and puddles downtown with my purse and digital camcorder on my shoulders and my laptop case trailing behind me on wheels. Office is still dark and locked up- I’ve beat the boss! Dang I’m good.

10:20am: Call my boss. Realize I missed the e-mail that he wasn’t going to be in until after 11am.

10:45am: Finally get my STUPID VISTA OPERATING SYSTEM to connect to the unsecured network of the ground floor’s coffee shop to plug in to work and enjoy some HOT tea while I wait.

11:45am - 3:00pm: Podcasting 101.

3:00pm: Dismissed from work but its pouring. Sit down at the coffee shop once again and have my lunch- I’m told the “Stinky Hippie” is a soy chai latte. “Ah, that’s a wholesome po’ folk lunch”, I think. I order. I taste. Nope, this is a soy latte. No Chai. (You know, if you can’t get a drink right, how about try NOT naming it things like, oh I don’t know, STINKY HIPPIE, when all it is is a soy chai. Might that clear up some confusion? Just a thought.) But I am really a-okay with soy latte’s so I drink anyway. I forget about my problem of espresso on an empty stomach. (And no, I’m not referring to the BM’s… that is not to say this isn’t also a problem, but for now I simply mean the shaky hands and queasy stomach feeling.)

3:45pm: Waiting for MAX again. Once on, I must decide which way to turn my nose… to my right is a man in black leather with a long gray beard who smells something awful of cigarette’s, while periodically laughing at himself for no reason in particularly. To my left: a fairly normal looking, just-over-the-hill-aged man who must have a cat hoarding problem; he smells like PAH-IS! Naturally, I pick the powerfully odored urine man with the slightly less creepy disposition.

4:00pm: Getting more nauseous from the urine smell and praying I don’t pass out completely. Some one has got to guard my purse, digital camcorder and laptop.

4:15pm: Home again, home again, clickity clack.

5:00pm: We needs diapers, eggs and yogurt. What does a car-less family do in such circumstances? Layer up, walk the mile to the grocery store. Dark outside? Raining? Cold? Minor insignificant details. We are tough cookies, yes we are.

6:00pm: Eating a po’ man’s dinner for a family of 3 with no time to prepare a meal: Cheesy bread - $2.99 (an actual pizza is too expensive). Family dinner? Priceless.

6:45pm: Lil’ E to bed. I tried to think of something witty for this one but I’m at a loss.

7:30pm: Yoga night!

8:30pm: Ouch! The Scorpion. I point out to the yoga instructor, “this is the type of stuff they do on the magazine covers”; Little ol’ noobie Vivian cannot do this. But try, little engine, try. Does any one know about this stuff? Why is it that from this position on I have had some crazy lower back feelings of an almost maternal nature? Some powerful mothering feelings, almost like some deep seated tension from carrying a belly with a hyper-extended back for 9.5 months. Who knows.

9:30pm: My new hobby of skyping (and I’ll have to blog about that another time!) with my best friend for several hours, where I get to practice all of my comedic lines to blog about later. If they fly on her, they are in.

12:00am: Shower. Lay down in bed. The whole room is a-quiver with Hubby’s snoring- his body a 215 pound subwoofer.

12:20am: Up again. Grab some rice milk and cookie dough and start blogging.

12:30am: Dang this cookie dough is da bomb diggity. And 70% organic ingredients too!

Yep, that’s right ya’ll: Organic Fat. Only the best fat for this ass.

(Chat-practiced that line too. Might copyright it, whatcha think?)

For the record, no, this is not my typical diet!

I’m finally getting around to all the widgetizing I had done on my previous design (who remembers these days?):

And though some might come and go (like the countdown to christmas!), I want to point out one I find particularly nifty. The “Swiki Search” in the sidebar I customized to find related information to those looking for support or resources for working from home. Try typing in “telecommuting jobs” and you will see what I mean. I found some new things, including Pajama Mama and all of her telecommuting success secrets! (Through her site I also found author of “I Love My Life: A Mom’s guide to Working At Home” Kristi Tamsevicius’ website, which is a bit inundated with ads BUT because I really enjoyed her book when I first ventured into working from home with my little Lil’ E!)

I hope it’s helpful for any one interested!

I came across this relatively new blog as announced on EmergentVillage.org, and I am very encouraged that it is out there and would love to draw attention to it for any one interested. It’s for “holistic, emerging parenting”, and if you’re wondering what the heck that even means, check it out for yourself!

Is niceness a word? Well, I’m making it up if it’s not. That’s the feelin’ I’m getting today from The Mommy Spot, where Diane has honored me and others with a few mommy bloggy awards. What did I win? Scream Free Parenting! (My downstairs neighbors are wondering, …HOW did she know?) …That Google Earth must be gettin good!

So after a night of 3 hours of sleep (work) and a stuff up nose (lowered immune system) I stumbling onto the computer- in my green painting paints and bright pink, over-sized Victoria Secrets flannel pj top, freezing in a 50 degree house, hair all a mess, eyes blood shot, back in knots, and so on- only to find the niceness of another blog mom part the clouds! (I could’ve won a “virtual” award/statue and my level of elation would only be slightly lower, just slightly.)

So THANKS for the book Diane! And for saying you like my blog… shucks… I like yours too… recipes, herbs, recalls-girl, look at you!

What does that even mean?

I just got back from another night of “one of THOSE nights” for me, one where I nervously talked enough to safely say I dominated the conversation and spilled all for the sake of being “authentic”. When I come back from those nights, when I am just spent and soiled and bewildered as my “self” returns to me, I feel like I can sympathize with the Saints of old that would chastise themselves or whip their own bodies or something. I’ve got the dueling cavaliers on either shoulder the entire evening, telling me what to say, what not to say- made particularly nervous and unlike me by any one in the group being extra quiet. That’s weird for me too because I seem to feel like the big sister who has to make friends for the sake of those who go unheard, like if I just share something else and keep the conversation going then eventually the egg will crack and every one in the group will relax and be themselves too- although I am the last thing from relaxed or myself at the moment, the only difference between me and them being that I can’t shut my f-ing mouth. And when the group dynamic can go on without me and every one is laughing and carrying on their own conversation, I very rarely wish to join the topics because I love the fact that I can just sit back and watch it happen and NOT have to share my example or experience of whatever particular subject happens to be on the table.

BLEH!

I thought the self-wandering, identity seeking phase ended with puberty, but clearly my insecurities are fresh and bare for all to see, mostly ME.

I recently watched Ms. Beatrix Potter, and there was one point in there where she is being told about her foolish decision to purchase a farm and, (after living under an insufferable social climbing mother, losing her (unapproved of) first love to death, and simultaneously turning her “little stories and paintings” into a best selling children’s book), she tells the man that she is “no longer in the habit of being lectured to”. Something in me was like “Yeah!” when she said that; I cheered her on in my heart because I absolutely love those characters at last embracing being okay in their own skin, having no explanation to give to any one about what they do with their time, money, love, faith, etc etc etc. I have very few balls when it comes to stuff like that. I don’t want to disappoint people, in general I want people to be comfortable and happy and possibly even like me, but at the same time I don’t compromise “being myself” (whatever that means) when I’m around them anymore, not very much anyway.

It used to be that one friend knew me as a proper, faithful lady and another knew me as a fiery, talkative eccentric (which made for an awkward time when the two met and we hung out as a threesome- who to be, who to be?) And I can remember this time last year making it my goal that this facade would end. Welcoming myself into the blog-osphere was good practice- which person would I present to the masses- family, friends, in-laws, strangers, co-workers, church peers- they would all have access to this little URL and would all have to get used to one and only one Vivian- some days completely safe and other days a crazy rant of a post- and I would similarily have to allow it to happen- even force it to happen, for the sake of being consistent. That means I can’t hang out with a family member and tell them, “oh yeah, those crazy mom’s checkin their kids toys for lead paint!” because I AM that mom and I already blogged about it. See what I mean? Every one gets the same story- they begin to get used to it OR stop getting to know me if they so choose, but in the end I have no apologies or explinations or back-peddling. What you see/read is what you get.

Yep, so my “home community” has this link and people I’m trying to get to know and would prefer they come to like me can read all about my insanity right here and that’s that. My husband, come to find out, passes it along to members of his family I’ve never even met, (like, can’t he just give them our FLICKR account if they want photo’s of Lil’ E??? I mean, really, this is my PERSONAL weblog) but then I’m faced with the self-coaxing again: okay, I will make the conscious decision to not adjust what I’m thinking/feeling at the moment to cater to one particular audience (as if that many people even read my blog! My stats say about 350 average it daily, and I’m thinking most of that’s bogus or my own navigating to approve comments, lol!) but you get the drift. It’s a great tool if you choose to be indeed “personal” with it.

Larry Crab, in his genius book Inside Out, has helped me with this a lot too, and so armed with this agenda of being authentic, non-private, communal, imperfect christian I do NOT behave differently around my husband, (ie. bat my eyes, soften my voice, hold his hand, in front of a group of people when that is NOT how we act alone. I treat him nearly exactly the same, except of course that at home I’m more prone to raising my voice ) and I try very hard not to behave differently as a parent. I find that usually people are relieved to hear my stories of horror at my own failings as a mother and wife, that some one like me has allowed themselves to be known and they no longer have to wonder about what skeletons are in my closet, or worse, whether they are all alone with theirs.

The more I get to know people, it is so so so true that every one is just as nuts as I am. I mean, the people I would have hands down said were pretty “together” have been the ones caught in the worst addictions, the ones who deal with very little of their own childhood hurts or marital problems, they have the biggest melt downs and live a life that is false so it builds up and builds up and then they freak out in rage. They want people to know so little about them that no one can ever truly “get in” and when they do, it is so shocking what they see (because such a different person was presented to them all along!) that they don’t want to revisit the friendship again.

Didn’t Christ teach a different way of being? Was he worried what people would think when he washed feet, touched lepers, called Pharisees a “broad of snakes!”, overturned TEMPLE tables, or stood up for a woman (presumably naked) caught “in the very act of adultery”? Were the early Christians, who met in backyards and sang songs together and shared everything and sold all their possessions- were they particularly shy about “airing dirty laundry”- for crying out loud they were likely sharing the clothes off their back, not to mention all of their sins and struggles laid bare. The culture of the first followers of Christ did not leave room for pretension or saving face regarding financial means, marital happiness, parental perfection or spiritual enlightenment. It was all hangin out there, ugly and gross, so they could together join hands and GROW.

Being me: I have no flippin clue what that means sometimes. Is the me I think I am just a persona too, am I just the product of my environment or the predestined personality of the Creator, or the physiological make up of a bunch of random DNA molecules or where the stars happened to align at the moment I was born? Some of this is fairly far fetched, of course, but personality theorists have gone even further in their guessing!

My thought is that I’ll start to figure it out after the me I present to others gets embarrassing, humiliating, but in the end and as I already stated: consistent. And that, at least, I think I’m starting to have going for me.

On a completely other angle, I AM aware that my limited knowledge and experience makes me no expert, even on myself, and that many wiser souls than I might conclude that the more self-forgetful, ie. self-LESS or NOT CONSCIOUS of oneself we are, the more we will actually be “ourselves”.

In the meantime, I admit that I really envy the fly on the wall, wishing I could revert back to the timid Vivian I once was, whose face turned red when eyes were on me so I never contributed a thing when not completely comfortable with those I was with. But its sort of like Egypt- once you have grown beyond that point, you’ve got bigger demons to deal with and more of that “much is given” to wrestle with. Oh my gosh, I’m going to quickly end this post before I start saying something that sounds way too much like Peter, a.k.a. “Spiderman”’s Uncle: “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Crap, too late.

I haven’t written in a few days, which isn’t all that typical of me lately, because of reasons I don’t even know how to pin down. I’ve been feeling as though I’m floating lately, not really here all the time. I don’t think I’m unhappy or anything, just sort of bored, tired, lethargic. I don’t know. I can take on things sometimes and try to shoulder it harder or longer than I should and I don’t stop and ask myself WTF, you know? I don’t even think I’m talking about anything in particular.

Perhaps I need more close friends and family here, of course that could be. I’m also feeling a little discontent, wanting to stop freakin worrying about money and never having enough to do or purchase the things I want, which sounds SO lame, I know. But seriously, I’m damn tired of being broke and trying so begrudgingly to be frugal. It’s a pain in the rear. You got your degrees, you got your jobs, congratulations- now you have to pay off all your debt. After that, you can work on saving for college and retirement, or paying off your mortgage if you’re lucky enough to have a home to truly call your own, which it turns out could be incredibly overrated.

And I’ve been sad lately at things I don’t think should make me quite so sad. I let Lil’ E stay up way too late last night and felt like the worst parent on the planet. I found out a close friend who I haven’t been able to really talk to in months is off to a bible college of sorts in the bahamas and I feel so bad that I knew nothing of this and all the different directions every one goes in life. Sometimes I think connections are so awesome. You go for a walk to kill time and end up meeting some one a few blocks down who is trained in landscape architecture and has awesome tips and encouragement about your organic garden. You plan for the right pet and meet a breeder who is a talkative, interesting, informative home-schooling mom, (and has the perfect pet for our family). So in these moments I want to get on this blog or remark to some one in person about how incredibly delightful these connections are- how two people end up meeting or effecting each other’s lives in a way that seems just too strange to not be Orchestrated.

Other times its connections that I mourn - one’s that are falling apart from distance and lack of cultivation. Sometimes I mourn one’s that are just fine, because its terrible events that bring two people together, like earlier this week when Lil’ E and I were walking to the park and saw a cat dying on the sidewalk. With the joint effort of myself and the mailman, we managed to read the ID tag and call the number to identify the pet’s owner’s, who it turns out had just moved in across the street from where the cat lay after being, apparently, hit by a car. It was difficult for me particularly because Lil’ E didn’t get it and kept meowing at the cat and telling me it had a boo boo. When it took its last breath, Lil’ E told me the kitty cat was tired and was going to sleep. And here in this event I connected with the mail man, as we hunched over a bloody feline corpse, because I was grateful some one else cared, grateful he had a cell phone, grateful he was another freakin adult to balance my feelings of sorrow over my child’s first death experience and make me aware of my own sensibilities.

This week I’ve looked a little more at my myspace friends while I’m bored and waiting for Hubby to get back from his 7am-10:30pm work schedule. I don’t know why, but I’m always so surprised, even disturbed, by the fact that so many old and even current friends are doing such vastly different things than I. I get this snapshot, this weird MySpace thing that it is, of their “profile” and can see how they want to be perceived- what they want people to know about them. Are they edgy? Witty? Do they have lots of friends and comments, do they list a slue of fascinating books or movies in their interests? Sure we all do it, right? Without even thinking much about it, we figure out fairly quickly, though it might change as often as we change our shoes, who we want to be to the rest of the world. And in the end, the things I most want to tell people about myself but don’t because it seems so ridiculous, is that I really, really liked reading a book about pumpkins to my son today. I wonder if a lot of stay-at-home moms feel this way, like the highlight of their day was curbing a temper tantrum so they could enjoy a MUG (”for here!”) of java at a coffee shop fairly uninterrupted- I mean this is like a humongous personal feat, people! But when you look around and see other adults in the world DO NOT CARE about whether or not you got your toddler to eat zucchini, it can feel as though the entire ball of earth is a black hole that has just swallowed you up because you are completely, eerily, alone. Like, “wow, this is kinda crazy… what am I living my life for if these are my daily highlights? where is my life going? who am I? Is any one else here? Hello?” (echoes ensue, yada yada yada.)

This is only one small piece of the puzzle as I uncover this strangely not-here-but-here mood I’ve been in, hidden behind a nice tired smile and way too much talking.

It has been quite a few Wednesday’s since I blogged about LOST, my favorite TV show ever. As I last reported, LOST will be playing a season of late winter-late spring, no fall whatsoever, making us fans go without for more than half a year! Lost night has been a tradition for me since Lil E’s birth just about. I rarely watched TV before that, not nearly enough to have a “show” to call my own, because I was a full-time student and working all the time. After having Lil E, my sister and brother-in-law moved in next door and we all decided to rent some shows on dvd while we spent a lazy few summer weeks recovering from babies, weddings, moves, etc. It took DISC ONE of Season One and I was done, hook line and sinker, whatever you want to call it. I especially got a kick out of the mystery, the puzzle, the questions, the Others, the Smoke Monster, so on. It’s like sci fi for the 21st century.

Though not every show since then has been stellar, I keep watching and sure enough, the season ends and I’m impressed. I’ve heard ratings going down but so long as they didn’t cancel the show, I could care less. I think a lot of people didn’t want to keep guessing, didn’t appreciate the sci fi so much. Who knows, but the characters, writing, everything is just awesome. I’ve gotten into lots of shows since then at one time or another, especially trying to wind down after putting Lil’ E to bed. Lost still entertains, whether I’m on the message boards searching for clues I missed, or simply a Wed. night fan. I haven’t followed the underground, die-hard fanatic circle for awhile, so I am probably late in reporting the Lost video game (Hubby, the semi-avid gamer pointed out), set for sale early next year. I wish it were strategically ready now, so that fans could play the game while we wait for Season 4. But, oh well, it just means I’ll have time to find some Lostie friends in PDX who can join us for appetizers and LOST on Wednesdays, (the tradition started back in Lakeland, with R&R and NannyGirl/Husband, joined later by the Auel’s.) I really miss those evenings!

So here’s the trailer for the game, and in the meantime I will do my very best to get the latest scoop weekly and bring it to you in a nice little bloggy package every Wednesday, as things once were

As if posting an exaggeratedly long post last time wasn’t enough to make you unsubscribe and unbookmark my humble blog, I had the audacity to leave it up for like ever without new content - my bad!

So here’s some real fun news for ya-

This week was all about fixing up the backyard, which was a jungle of sorts; the remnants of a once well cultivated garden of methodically placed flowerbeds and fruit trees and evergreens and veggie beds. The landlords were in town and hired an arborist (Paul Bunyan, if you ask me!) to reduce the trees and even eliminate some. We said goodbye to one of the big cherry trees that grew just a few feet away from our staircase to the front door (we’re on the second floor), as well as the Alder (sp?) that shaded our living room. Though I won’t miss either, personally. The flowers and veggie beds were in need of a bad weeding and de-grassing (do you like my pretty made-up words?) so we spent the bulk of our afternoons hunched over with friendly garden spiders of all varieties giving us Floridians the heeby geebies.

Now, our yard has a “clearing” beyond a large butterfly tree and apple tree that opens up into a mulched circle where we put big cut pieces of the cherry tree in a circle for seats. The larger veg bed is covered in fresh mulch to “heat things up” for this year, but I’ve just laid down some chicken poop fertilizer (charming!) in the smaller one and I’m on the look out for some pumpkin plants that will be okay in a late planting. My goal being a little patch of pumpkin and winter squash, if at all possible.

Anyhow, Hubby also got around to replacing my popped bicycle tire and cleaning the car. We plan to put the car on Craigslist (asap!) and use the bikes, public transportation, and Flexcars only. We got out for a ride this morning and went down Fremont into the Beaumont neighborhood, hitting up A Children’s Place where we found some good discounted books for Lil’ E. Oh, and the joy that THIS place gives me I can never explain.

While out and about, we bumped into the leader of our “Home Community” at church, pulling her daughter in a red wagon down Fremont. After some chit chat she invited us to meet them at the Oregon Brewers Festival, -which is like, … um, duh yes we will go please be our friend please please please (no, not that desperate, or at least apparent!)

After a bus ride to the city center, we spent our afternoon here with several members of our home community. It was a happy buzzed time for most, save the toddler tantrums and the bite mark Lil’ E left on a poor unsuspecting NON-parent member of our group. Parenting stinks sometimes!

As an aside, any one who thinks, as I do, that my entire family could really use t-shirts like this: funding welcomed.

As you can tell, mamaneedjava.com has undergone some major plastic surgery, including not only a new design but some upgrades within wordpress, etc. I hope you like it as much as I do!

And please excuse my “dust” while MamaNeedJava undergoes some construction to make your experience better. For this onslaught of changes, you can thank my co-worker/boss/friend Brad, who ordered me some html books and I get to mess with my blog as practice. And, of course, Chris A., who saves my butt when I make a wrong turn down the CSS yellow brick road.

Toodles…