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I could write a book about the last month of my life, but now is not the time. Forgive the quirky slide show instead

And then listen to good music.

“It’s okay to cry– crying gets the sadness out.” - DragonTales cartoon on PBS

“We need to be loving each other.” - Lil’ E (my 3 year old)

“Surprise us with love at daybreak; then we’ll skip and dance all the day long.” Psalm 90:14 (The Message)

“I think I can.” - The Little Blue Engine that Could

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” - Tori Amos

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr. Suess

Blogging this week has been the very furthest thing from my mind. Unusual, yes.

While the details of some parts of my life I seem to share with the general public with a complete lack of bashfulness, there are other parts which I cannot disclose in great detail. To address this conundrum, I feel it is at least appropriate for me to use this blog as a platform for airing my thoughts, but with great care for allusive, covert references Forgive.

Life, as we all know, or should by now, does not always go according to “plan”: That amazing business that you throw your money and life into goes belly up, natural disasters tear apart your home, loved ones move on to the next life — sometimes in unexpected and painful ways, families fall apart from a gazillion issues under the sun, or friends betray our trust.

We all go through somewhat similar experiences when these things happen. Shock, denial, anger, and grief take their turns at us. Hopefully, and usually, healing does too. We begin to eat again, work again, laugh again. The loss itself might not ever be painless, but the heartbreaking helplessness of the loss will ease, (interesting, how similar this pain of loss is much like the pain of childbirth).

Perhaps the greatest piece of it all is when something that fell apart, went out of business, and broke into little pieces is ready to be restored: the start of a new business, the rebuilding of the next house, the birth of a new loved one, the healing of marriages, the reconciliation of friends. Grace upon grace is given to us by the One who made our hearts, and it never ceases to amaze me at just how that all works; How joy can fill up empty spots, left barren by disappointment.

It is the misadventures of life, the plans that went haywire, that tend to make up our story, as individuals, and as a human race. Painful as they are.

(And yes, I am embarrassed by this. I am not an exception to the rule that no one likes to see themselves on camera… But Lil’ E is such a doll )

For some reason, I have a vivid memory of my 8th birthday. When it was all over, the presents unwrapped, cake eaten, gal pals headed home, I laid in my bed in tears. The reason? I could feel, maybe for the first time, that I was aging; that I was going to have to grow up.

Sure, it’s inevitable - at least in terms of the physiological progression of maximum bodily potential and vitality, followed by the gradual decline towards decay. Lovely. And while often the growth process with regards to both the body and the “rest of us” (aka heart, mind, soul?) are more connected than we think (just ask the raging hormones of a 15 year old or the post-menopausal woman), there are just some parts about “growing up” that are a bit more unpredictable and circumstantial. Sometimes major life events, such as the divorce of our parents, our marriage, child-rearing, etc open us up to new experiences, new responsibilities, and new ways of relating. Sometimes its working through things, learning and education, counseling, so on which brings us to new levels of self-awareness or responsibilities to compose ourselves as competent “adults” in a big, big world of diversity. Maybe its doing some travel and seeing this diversity first-hand, being able to see beyond the scope of the town you grew up in and the small group of people with which you have most of your interaction. It’s often close relationships, too, with a partner, parents, friends, children, boss’ or co-workers, neighbors, pastor, etc who push you to new limits (to put up with them?) or challenge your preconceived ideas about how you and the world around you operate. And isn’t it also accurate to say that the most emotionally stunted individuals are those who are isolated, who refuse to partake in community for fear that they might just have to deal with people that don’t like them, or that they don’t like, or (gasp! even worse?!) some one who challenges them to work through their insecurities, bad habits, and poor relational skills in order to come out stronger and more equipped with grace and love. People who can avoid others by the simple close of a door, so they don’t even have to share a backyard.

But life is short. Yesterday I had a baby and today he is nearly three years old. Blink.of.an.eye. I could say that, if I’m very, very lucky, I have already lived only one quarter of my life on this planet. But something tells me that in the end, the other three quarters will be too quick also. I’ve been stuck on this concept lately that my time here is best spent serving, loving, and -yikes- growing, and not on petty disagreements or fits of temper, avoiding touchy situations and pleasing people. I’ve got all these sore spots in my heart, like little areas of decay, from anger and resentment and insecurity and lack of trust, and if I’m not in the process of healing them, but rather picking at them and opening them back up again and again, then I’ll suffer from infection. And I don’t want that, because it doesn’t sound nearly as fun as the reckless abandon and gut-wrenching uncertainty of living this one short life out to the fullest.

So my mantra lately? To grow up. Like the magnet on my fridge reminds me, “Put your big girl panties on and get over it.” Or, to put it another way, no more peeing in my diaper. I just hope I have a confident heart like my kiddo, who, after using the “big” potty, emerges to say:
TAAAA - DAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Today is Mother’s Day- woot!
I still can’t believe sometimes that I am a mom. I was putting Lil’ E’s sneakers by the door the other day while he was at the nanny’s so I could get some work in, and I had to do a double-take. Little miniature sneakers? Which belong to my son? Weird…

Yesterday I got to rent a Zipcar and bop around for some errands, which was really nice. It’s great to know the work of hauling bags of groceries on your sore shoulders, but sometimes the luxury of a vehicle is like getting a facial or something. Which I really wouldn’t know because I have never had a facial. I’ve never even had my eyebrows waxed. Amazing, I know. Just can’t justify the cost of stuff like that.

Ironically, what I CAN justify the cost of is truffles. Glorious little black mushrooms that rock my world. I finally got a 1/10th of an ounce sized truffle for $3 at the Farmer’s Market yesterday. Truffled sea salt on your popcorn- better than sex. (Okay, slight - only SLIGHT- exaggeration there.)

So what are my grand Mother’s Day plans? Well, you guessed it! Work! But first, I will point out that Hubby got up with the kiddo today, made me coffee and eggs with tandori naan (delicious bread!). He’s taking him out to the toy store today so I can work (so I might garden a little first, it is Mother’s Day after all!). Later tonight, Misty and I plan to have a light salad dinner with a bottle of Trout Trilogy 2004 Cab, a “splurge” on a $10 wine for Mother’s Day!

Hope all you other hard workin’ mamas (so if you are a female and have kids, that’s you) have a superb day!

April 21st-27th is National Turn It Off Week, which includes screen time in any form (tv, computer, games, etc.)

Will we be able to do that? I’m not going to kid myself.

As a telecommuter, the computer is my job, so I would have to have a week of vacation saved up just to pull that off! To boot, Hubby and I love movies, we’re Netflix junkies, and we value our movie bonding time. When it comes to Lil’ E, I do the best that I can. As a work-at-home mother with an only child, “Miss Lorie’s Preschool” is a lifesaver sometimes, and an educational one, at that. I swear my kid will be reading by age 3 because of that Super Why show!

I’m not even sure exactly why any one would feel like they have to defend that choice, either. There are lots of studies ready to showcase the latest negative correlation between kids and tv, but I haven’t personally seen any that include active children of stay-at-home parents, who spend more time during their day in a combination of toy play/outdoor play, reading tons of books and listening to children’s music or NPR throughout the day as well. I also think that learning to play educational computer games will only help in preparing children to enter a modern world of technology and media. Maybe that’s a fairly typical approach from a Millennial generation parent (many of whom move far away from family, are prone to micromanage, etc- which is another post for another day!)

That said, I understand and struggle with the opposite arguments. I sometimes think, what if our economy crashes and our obese American children must ration food and learn to grow their own vegetables, etc? Will the average family be able to adapt and survive if a crisis like that happened? But as far as my own family is concerned, I’m not as worried about all that. I mean, we do teach our little guy to compost and garden, to enjoy nature and the outdoors, and, by example, how to live without new furniture; without a vehicle, using our own bodies as modes of transportation (walking, biking); doing what you feel comfortable with in helping build a more sustainable world.

When I lived in Florida, your house pretty much wasn’t one until it had a tv. Playgroup moms knew what you were talking about if you referenced Backyardigans, Dora, Lazy Town, etc etc. There were no sideways glances of judgment. It’s just the culture. Maybe cause it was too damn hot outside most of the time

Not so in the Pac NW, particularly on the east side of metro Portland. I have come across plenty more tv-less families than the latter. (All that Waldorf influence?) Who knows. And like I said, I get it.

I could go into some of the things I learned in college regarding media studies and mass communication theory, but who wants to read about all that? Suffice to say, learning the history of humanity and its relation to and fear of influences (from technology, globalization and new media) forever shifted the way I saw the latest trend either for or against it. I believe innovative minds will continue to evolve and inquisitive learners will continue to search, and those of us who wish to embrace the shifts and work with them as inevitable facets of modern (postmodern?) human life will do so, while those who do not are neither right nor wrong. Whatever floats your boat, right?

On a somewhat related note, I think the importance of reading is imperative, and our family recently signed up for the Every Family Reads program with the county library. Part of the program is pledging that you will read each day, visit the library as a family at least once per week, and also hold a family reading night once each week. Another facet to the program is bi-lingual literacy, which I’m very interested in as a family of mixed ethnicities. It’s purty kewl.

Well I better end this before I go following too many rabbit trails. I’d love to hear some thoughts from you parents, (or non-parents!), how you approach screen time and the health of your kiddo(s). Maybe some of you are doing certain things differently in honor of National Turn-It-Off Week and could share your ideas?

I’ve shared here and there about my decisions surrounding childcare and work. I know so many moms struggle with it, and others maybe don’t, either because they are able and want to stay home with their kids or because they can afford childcare and want to work. There’s usually a lot more gray than that though. There are stay-at-home-moms that sometimes feel a twinge of embarrassment when some one asks, “And what do you do?” There are moms who work outside of the home and love it, but feel a sad or guilty whenever their SAHM friends recount the day they spent with their child at the zoo. There are WAHMs, of which I am one, who work from home, the “best of both worlds” as they say, struggling daily to get work done, retain sanity, and raise a child without Dora the Babysitter Explorer.

The topic itself has probably been exhausted beyond all reasonable desire to discuss it further- on television, in magazines, in playgroup, just about EVERYWHERE a mom goes. We all take some chunks and then go about life, trying to “do what’s best” for our unique families. No one quite knowing if they’ve got it right either way.  All of us loving our children so much.

My one and only, Lil’ E, will be turning THREE years old this summer. Simultaneously, a job I’ve been working for a looong time as a “temp” had an open full-time position, more or less created in hopes that I could move into it. The position sparkled with “best big companies to work for” kind of perks. It was so exciting to think about having a full-time permanent, salaried job with benefits and bonus’, a little travel, some routine and consistency. My initial thoughts? SURE, I can put Lil’ E in preschool every day, NO PROB!

Then I did the math.  Preschool, no matter how low I assumed the figured could go, would take a very large chunk of my income, nearly half of it. Taking Lil’ E to and from childcare would take 1.5 hours minimum out of my day, (and a perk of working from home is staying in pj’s and no commute!)

Even knowing that by taking the job and putting E in preschool would be an enormous financial strain, I was still ready to try making it work. Hubby and I would both keep part-time jobs to pay for childcare, we would do whatever it would take.

But in the end, as many of you know, it just wasn’t feeling “right”. I struggled with it every day and every night for a couple of weeks, and finally admitted to myself that there must be another plan for me. I did the opposite of the “planner” side in me and just decided late last week and over the weekend that I would not be applying for this job. I talked to my boss about it yesterday, so it is official.

And you know what? My decision has since been continually reaffirmed by little things and big things every where I go. I feel lighter and healthier than I have in like a year (even though I am also more broke than I have been in like a year!). Most interestingly, some one from a magazine found me over at VivianWrites and might have a consistent, flexible part-time use for me within the mag that would pay very close to what I am currently making at my “main” job, which is essentially going to be filled by a permanent employee while I lower my involvement to a very “as needed” basis.

I have also begun formulating the homeschool preschool “curriculum” (if you can call it that) that I will be using with Lil’ E for at least half of every day. I will have more flexible work, less conference calls and meetings, and be working slightly less than I have been over the passed year. I don’t have details planned out, which is a little weird for me, but since going with my gut, or maybe my heart, has been so far so good, I think I’ll ride this Surrender Train a little bit longer and see what sights I can view along the way.

What a strange passed few weeks I have had. I’m not sure where to begin and how much I am at liberty to share, but suffice to say that my employment situation (like the rest of the nations?!) has been in limbo (sort of?) and out playing golf and just plain driving the “planner” in me bonkers.

I love working, I really do, and I tell myself that I am darn lucky to do what I do, from home, even if I barely pay the bills, even if I feel Lil’ E is being neglected, even if I do not have the job security of permanent employment nor the perks of benefits or paid sick days. The long and short of it is part survival, part pleasure.

My (main) job has been more or less back and forth, one month I am planning for the inevitable discontinuation of my current role by brainstorming possible new careers (web design? in-home childcare again?) and the next month I am toying with the real possibility that I will be hired on permanently, which will be both a financial strain in some ways and simultaneously a great peace of mind. I struggle with seeing how things “work” out there in the great big world, where a job I already work can’t just be, well, my JOB. But I know life and corporations are more complicated than that and I try daily to leave things in God’s hands - while my captain insano “be prepared” speech turns on and I start worrying all night long about June 1st’s rent!

It’s fairly exausting to worry, as I am sure you all know. It’s not a positive energy and rarely leads to positive actions aside from getting you moving, which may or may not be what you actually need to be doing. Freud might say that being a “doer” is overcompensating for “dreamer” parents, who knows. Several people, some of whom know nothing about this situation in my life, have mentioned something along the lines of the following advice: Get to that quiet place where you can hear, and go from there.

In the meantime, let me tell you - this brain is so not quiet, and my body feels at times like its under panic attack for real! I know that the God I have relationship with is so so so darn good and true and faithful, and never once have I been regretful for surrendering my plans and worries over to him. At the same time, I am habitual in my efforts to take over and PLAN for Him, and not doing so takes concentrated effort just about every milli-second of the day.

That and two facts you will find rather TMI (”too much information”, for the grandparents): I have the first of these in like a decade and they are driving me crazy with preoccupation and additional worry AND I am SO this.

[/rant].

I plan to enjoy our last day with Ethan’s bud, Finn, on Friday, as the family we child-swap with will be moving to the east coast this weekend. We might meet a new childcare possibility the same day, more of a “nanny-share” (God, You’ve got a sense of irony about these things, don’t you?) This weekend expects to be a sunnier one than we’ve had as of late, and I plan to soak it up as much as realistically possible (Farmer’s Market on Saturday, some Coop building in the backyard, so on.) The fresh air always does me good, (one reason the carless thing is likely less of a big deal to me than it might otherwise be), so perhaps by early next week I will have some post’s for you of great fun and jubilation

Hope every one is having better luck in the future plans/economy/emotional health department - as my brother ALWAYS SAYS:

Can’t complain- Things could be a lot worse!

it happens all the time;
people become mamas.
celebrities, love lorn teenagers, and those gals on desperate housewives.

it happened one time;
I became a mama.
two foretelling pink lines on a stick and 47 pounds of gained pain later.

“kitty cat pumpkin stickers” and “ras-strawberries”
Coup seal barking, night sweats
“Make water with your pee pee in the potty”
fall leaves fall. Now say, “rompe cabeza”. (count to ten.) “Little Ethan Wants to Play-”

“mama, don’t be sorry. I’m just fine.”

“do you think I’m a good mother?”: whispers in mama/dada’s room.
losing tempers- haunting memories of childhood- ohmygod-am-i-repeating-it?
“family sandwich” hugs and kisses, happy times though
never quite like Norman Rockwell’s pictures.

selfishness vs selflessness
busy vs boredom
pride vs resentment

…television vs radio.

Coupled, Mirrored, Splitting, Connecting, Cuddling, Squishing, Exhausting, Accelerating:

being a mama.

-Viv