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“Consider it all joy, my friends, when you encounter various trails, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing…” - James, brother of Jesus.

This week, 6 years ago, you asked me to “court” you…
What can I say? It’s our fate, I’m yours!

Jason Mraz Lyrics
I’m yours Lyrics

Whew! The weather firefox add-on at the bottom of my browser is reporting “Now: Sunny, 76 F”, but I just don’t believe it. When the back of your knees are sweating, you know its hotter than hades.
Lil’ E is at nanny Anna’s today, having a ball, no doubt! The chicks are the backyard about to pass out. I am safely tucked away in the house at the moment, where the cool night temps linger. It seems like just last week I was worried about freezing out my newly planted tomato starters- and now the record high temps threaten to burn them up! Tomorrow it is supposed to reach nearly 100 degrees!

All of this is so full-circle, it really is. This time last year, I was selling the last of my belongings that weren’t already packed up. I was preparing to send Hubby off with our car on a 3,000 mile road trip while I finished up the house cleaning before Lil’ E and I flew not far behind him to our new home, Portland, on May 21st. Everything about Portland this time of year was captured by my senses because it was so new and exciting. I familiarized myself with all of the smells, like the lavender, rosemary and sage growing along the sidewalks, as if they were the encapsulated in and only in Portland. The summer heat was familiar, since in many ways the last 23 years of my life was one big summer in Florida. And the evenings were pure bliss, when the skin on my shoulders would tingle as the temperatures dropped off, giving me an excuse to grab a cute shaw and relishing the strange feeling of having stolen extra time by enjoying sunlight until at least 9 pm.

Then I made it through Portland’s grey, drizzly winter. I even made it through the up and down days of early Spring that can play mean tricks on you. I thought that the shift towards Summer would be mighty welcoming, but instead — I must admit — it is bittersweet. This time last year I was saying goodbye and hello so much that my soul was just buzzing from it all. Now the cycle of one year brings all the sights and smells and sounds back again, and all I can think about is that its been 12 months since I have been able to hug my dad, to share a good cry with Steph, or laugh a loud, tipsy laugh with my sister Rachel. And perhaps more depressing- I have no idea if it will be another year, or two, or five, before I will be able to do those things again. This economy and life have left us all pretty darn broke and busy, making the seven hour plane ride seem more like a trek on the “Oregon Trail”, where one will inevitably die of dysentery, or in the very least, lose twelve oxen along the way.

There is nothing to look forward to this time around. While I’ll enjoy the different aspects of Fall, Winter and Spring again, it just won’t be the first time. It won’t be the honeymoon- it will be the marriage. And we all know what marriage is like

Of course, there’s more to it than all of this. There’s a new presidency, (maybe a boost to the economy will create a new job for Hubby), or perhaps we will decide to do something wild and crazy together, (like have another human being with our DNA combination enter the world). Even the low-key, hum drum days of life will no doubt gift me with a nugget of satisfaction or drama, if I keep my eyes open.

Anyway, I’m waiting for June to settle in. Something tells me the grass will look greener in June.

Men who think that THIS is humorous and harmless, and worthy of a days worth of their pay. Women who think it will not harm their family to have their husbands playing these “harmless” video games where, in their alternate reality, they can pick up prostitutes and pay for three levels of service- handjob, fellatio, or cowgirl sex position.
Wise up, people. While some are out there thinking about how to make this crazy world a better place, it is sick and sad that so much time and money is being devoted to trash like this. I just have no respect for it. Zero. And I could give a crap about whether or not the entire game’s focus is this, or whether or not the players HAVE to partake in this to play this “amazing” game. It’s one thing to be legalistic, and a different thing all together to have absolutely no personal values beyond what other “buddies” are doing.
I will add that I’m not trying to sound as mean as this is coming off. I guess I just don’t get the value, if there is any, of something like this. And every once in a while this little mama has to get a wee bit for realz. But when I use the word “people” it is the generic, universal, rhetorical “people”, not a specific person. So don’t get your panties in a wedge thinking this is personal.
[/rant]

Oh, the things you might find if you read your friend’s bulletin posts in MySpace…

It was too funny to not post here. I am Pisces and Hubby is Aries. I have crossed out the one’s I think are all wrong and made bold those which are, imho, true dat.

PISCES - THE SEX ADDICT
(2/19-3/20)
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. BEST kisser. Always get what they want. Very Attractive. Easy going. RARE Find. GOOD when found. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. NOT one to mess with!!!

ARIES- THE PLAYER
(3/21-4/19)
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed… Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

Not sure what happened to my Aries hubby- his was like 70% way off!

My conclusion: what a load of bull honkey…

Okay, ya’ll. Life is just TOO much for me these days!

The latest, for those of you who don’t know:

Hubby called today to tell me that his job ends as of tomorrow- the business is going bankrupt, so two weeks to Christmas they can’t even afford to keep the staff hired. We did in many ways see the writing on the wall for this one, so he had several resumes out there and had spent some time focusing in on what kind of jobs he’s looking for in the past few weeks. We just didn’t expect it to be RIGHT NOW without much warning. Luckily, he will be able to file for unemployment and is planning to go into a staffing agency on Monday.

Not 4 hours later, I got a call from an interview I had yesterday that went really well, offering me the job! There’s lots of details, which to me are quite exciting, but I won’t go into them all. Suffice to say, I’m looking forward to what this new job entails and the opportunity for what it might lead to long term. I will be the part-time (mostly from home) web content manager and personal assistant for an “international speaker and national best-selling author” small business guru, who in person is just a hoot! It was a very encouraging process getting the job, and I’m hopeful not only about the supplemental income it will provide (in conjunction with Wiley) but also the experience I will no doubt gain.

All this nutso stuff, not just with our job situations but with my dad, friends who are going through some crazy circumstances right now, so on- it’s just been a strange couple of weeks!  I can only imagine what God is cookin up and all that hot pepper He’s throwing into the pot for FLAVA!

Though these opening and shutting of doors is enough to give any one a major headache, I feel more than anything a sense of gratitude and comfort. Today, anyway!

Feist is tonight, YAY!!! We’ve got a sitter!

I’m half excited about the concert, half excited about the venue! It’s not every day we have reason to go to the Arnold Schnitzer Concert Hall! Maybe this won’t be so exciting after several years as a Portlander, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been skipping around the house all morning!
     

Maybe this post is coming from left field, but at this point I’m thinking you guys will take anything so long as it isn’t more poetry. (What’s wrong with you, you uncultured illiterates?!)

Ten things that I find comforting (order is inconsequential):

1. Snacks/food… I seem to have an endless love for popcorn (in a pot, I can never go back to the bag, baby) with lots of olive oil and nutritional yeast all over it; edamame (soybeans in the pod, steamed and served up with some sea salt), avocado and tomato salad (a little cajun seasoning on it), Beecher’s flagship cheese, peanut butter balls… (my husband would think it important to note here that my WAY of eating drives him up the wall and down the block. Whether my lips are smacking, he can hear the crunching, or I’m licking up yeast at the bottom of the bowl, apparently I eat like a stark raving animal. I more or less dismiss his complaints because I was raised with only a dad and brother, both of whom are the social counter of a metro-sexual man. They have hair on their chests, and its a wonder I even know how to paint my toenails, okay?)

2. Movies- as I’ve already shared, I just love movies, talking about them, watching them, whatever. I hate, however, watching movies with some one who does not share my love for movies, who sits there with that -”I don’t get it… they just had no dialog for all of 3 minutes therefore this can’t possibly be a ‘good’ movie”- blank stare. But this is about things that comfort me, not things that irk me, I so digress.

3. Reading. Currently digging through Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, which is quite possibly the funniest book I’ve ever read. Excerpt below:

“I realize there is a whole generation of adults born in the seventies who currently play Sega and Nintendo as much as they banged on their Atari 5200 and their George Plimpton- endorsed Intellivision in 1982. I am not one of them. I agree with Media Virus author Douglas Rushkoff’s theory that home video game consoles are the reason kids raised in the 1980s so naturally embraced the virtual mentality- we never thought it seemed strange to be able to manipulate what we saw on a video screen - but I’ll never accept pixels killing other pixels as an art form (or a sport, or even a pastime). A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent to masturbating, and I’d sort of feel the same way about playing John Madden Football immediately after filing my income tax: It’s fun, but- somehow- vaguely pathetic.”

4. Beverages… teas, espresso drinks, wine. I used to drink only water because I didn’t want to waste my caloric intake on a beverage that wouldn’t fill me up. Stop and think about that truth, roll it around in your head. Caloric intake… that was a logical and substantial reason to avoid flavored beverages completely. If you do not see something oddly self-oppressive about that line of thinking, go have yourself a beer. Have a few beers, what do I care. Who am I the police? (ah, that “Bronx Beat” is a pretty funny SNL skit)

5.  Walking. I love to walk and wish there was more time for it. When you take the time to walk somewhere (or just “take a walk, which I’m less likely to do because of the lack of an end result), you smell things in the air and look around to locate the herbs or tree nearby… you see interesting aspects of people’s backyards or window panes… you have time for acorns to hit you on the head; drizzle to dampen your hair down. This may not seem like an appealing description, all things considered… but when are all things ever really considered?

6. Music. God is currently in the process of redeeming my relationship with music. This is a statement some one came up with in a theology class assignment tonight. There was a period of time in my life when music I could listen to was limited to only that which was not “secular” in origin or nature. I would have burned my classical CD’s had I been told they too were part of Satan’s plan to take down humanity. A whole half decade of my life was sucked dry of pop culture, for better or for worse. With it were many potential relationships, as any one who listened to secular music could not be a regular companion of mine lest they tempt me with their luring beat. I’m finally rediscovering genre’s and artists I used to resonate with, as well as new voices and tempos that communicate something to me, and I’m intently focused on music that does not traditionally “belong” in church because I’m fairly certain that there is no such thing as “secular” (without God, completely worldly), or if there is, there are much fewer things that truly fit in that category than most people think. Because God has a habit/characteristic of imparting Himself in the most unlikely places via these annoying little creative creatures called human beings.

7.  Poetry. I realize this closely resembles reading, but I place it in a category all its own because I also like to write poetry, and because I see poetry in things that aren’t necessary known as poetry. In an argument with Hubby, I pointed out once that the difference between us is that “my world is written in poetry, where as yours is written like a manual.” So, yeah, let that marinate a while, ya big meany, while I pat myself on the back for coming up with something so inherently witty.

8. Painting- ah yes, the one thing that can so zone me out that you’ll wonder where I have been for the last 8 hours. Playing Tetris had this effect on my one time, but more consistently, its painting.

9. Practicing conversations. You know the kind I’m talking about. Those times of intense communication where Person A and B are played by leading lady, moi? Usually in whispers in the bathroom, where the two characters will surface and it will take my 2 year old son’s bewildered look to make me realize I was playing out this conversation out loud. However, for some reason these little times of practice are fairly useful in gathering my thoughts, preparing me for the time when I might have some one talking back.

10. Large natural phenomena. This is a little cliche, but just because something is cliche doesn’t mean it can’t be true too. Whether I’m in a great big field, standing on the shore of a large body of water, or looking up at a massive mountain, the sheer size swallows up whatever I deemed substantial about my life thus far and spits them back out into pea-sized Vivian staring out in awe.

P.S. It was no accident that I failed to include things like prayer here- I left that sort of thing off the list because I think it goes without saying and I would have little to add about the subject anyway.

Well, it’s very chilly- currently 58 but should get down to 47 tonight, which has been typical these last few weeks. The sky is still clear and the grass dry, so its definitely Fall weather. During our frequent walks down to the Fremont Wild Oats area, (stop at Cafe Destino for soup, run some errands around Wild Oats-mail something out, pick up rice milk-,then onto the library to see what movies have been returned, so on), we were able today to pick up acorns and bright purple and yellow leaves: the first bits of Autumn inviting us to collect and admire.

I never share much about the specifics of my marriage or finances or relatives, etc, but I wanted to write today about our recent goals of getting out of debt, saving, financial freedom. Like many young parents, esp in college, we used credit cards to keep us afloat through our years of less than 30,000 combined (at least 4 years of our 5 year marriage), and in the end we ended up with a large amount of debt. We now pay minimum payments towards debt reduction that totals 25% of our monthly income, and about half of it is high interest cards (some student loans, some personal loans). At last Hubby has found work and is now working 2 jobs for us to recover from the move and unemployment of this past summer, and we have been struck with the conviction that we must get a handle on it while we are finally making a little income. Through a dear friend of mine, we were able to apply for a credit counseling service that does the one monthly, low interest payment type of thing. It turns out this will be incredibly helpful, reducing our minimum payments and, because we are “friends and family” we have no fees whatsoever. Because we are saving so much that would have been eaten up in high interest, we can put extra on our monthly payments and get out of debt sooner. Not including student loans, it will take us 4 years, max. Incredible, isn’t it? (Incredible as in- audacious, unbelievable, inconceivable- that a young couple with college education would spend the next 4 years climbing out of consumer debt.) Ah, America- delicious consumer market dream-turned-nightmare. With a little bail-out from friends or family here and there, we have managed to pay our bills when they are due and stay afloat, but barely.

Simultaneously, we tried to go to Imago Dei (our church) Financial Peace University, and although we found the 4 hours on Sunday morning to be a little long for our family day, in the end there are some sunday school conflicts with having children in both services so we have opted to continue educating ourselves and try to go without FPU at this time. In the meantime, I’ve paid my very last overdraft fee for a large corporate bank that cares SQUAT for the little guy, and have opened a savings and checking account with an internet bank, ING Direct. With them, there are never NSF fees (because of the automatic line of credit opened in case this happens) and the interest earned on the savings is 4.3 and on checking, 3.8 (for the balance we have in there, if you have more balance, you earn more). Then I grabbed a home budget tool off Kiplinger.com and with as liberal and comfortable figures as I could apply to each expenditure, including tithing (charitable/giving) and saving (automatically out of each paycheck and into that 4.8% savings account) combined 20+% of our income, we should still have $400 dollars a month left over.

This is where I just can’t believe it. With spending money, haircut money, every little thing accounted for, we should still have $400 lying around some where at the end of every month. Now, granted, our income has only been double in the last month, so September has been more like damage control month than starting your goals month. However, this was such an eye opener that I must track where our money is going and use the darn ENVELOPES and CASH like every thing I’ve ever read has said to do. If we truly have left over after tithing, saving, bills, debt, and even renting movies and drinking Starbucks here and there (budgeted for, using cash), then I will be floored. It means that when friends need funding for a missions or we feel called to give some other way, we actually CAN. It means if we need to visit family in Florida once a year, we can save this and actually buy the tickets. It’s just crazy.

I also worked out how we will save that emergency fund of 3 months worth of income (min.) by the end of 2008 using the compound interest in our savings account along with automatic transfers off the top of every paycheck into savings. One year, no surprises, we could actually have our emergency fund filled. This has never, I repeat NEVER, appeared possible for us. I’ve read books before, Suzie Orman and who nots, we’ve done coupons and budgets and snowball effect and bla bla, but for some reason or another- nothing really worked. Yet I’m very hopeful that discipline this time around will stick.

Discipline: the word brings definite negative connotation to my spirit. Perhaps by a church (shoot, an entire sub-culture of Christianity) that defined discipline for me for so long as the “walk the straight and narrow” road of a “disciple”. Read your bible and pray for hours, don’t do anything “wrong” (including kiss your husband before marriage, lol- which I was NOT able to abide!), so on. It took the joy out of living and created a sense of shame at every inkling of rebellion and questioning. When I was involved at a Presbyterian church in Lakeland, the emphasis was the opposite- there is NO mold, it messaged, your identity is in Him. The rules and rituals were not glorified, in fact maybe they were in some ways looked down upon, particularly if done with a heart that was trying to please God, to be enough for God, so God would approve or love you more. It was a great blessing to be around those who practiced unconditional love and extended grace in a very real way. But still, I came to see discipline as “legalistic” and shunned daily practices or boxes to squeeze into.

But I came across this quote, which I ironically wrote in my journal some time ago and had since completely forgotten, from Henri Nouwen, Catholic priest and writer:

“In the spiritual life, the word discipline means ‘the effort to create some space in which God can act.’ Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up. Discipline means that some where you are not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn’t planned or counted on.” (italics/bold added)

It struck me that in the regards to finances, discipline can be viewed much the same way. Discipline on how you spend and where your money goes creates ROOM, it means your cup is not completely dry, that you aren’t sucking the drops off the coffee table and paying high interest on your imbalance. It means you have SPACE in which “something can happen that you hadn’t planned or counted on”- another pregnancy, a broken leg, a family vacation you never thought you could take, a way to give to some one in need.

So, although this has become a slightly longer post than I intended, I have a feeling my journey with money and debt and spiritual applications could be useful to some of you, so I share in hopes it helps

Well, its been a week since I wrote last- crazy huh? Even Hubby had gotten used to checking in on me here, and has been wondering what the heck is wrong with me- no new content day after day!

I’ve been workin and such lately- oh and finished that book. In the end I really liked it still, so I’ll share that it was As If Love Were Enough. Now I’m reading The Year of Magical Thinking, (Joan Didion) and am enjoying that to, although very differently.

Hubby and I finally got out on a date night last night- we saw Broken English at Living Room Theaters (LOVE that place- and they make a mean Spanish Coffee Cocktail too!) then we meandered around the Pearl and found our way into a little cocktail lounge called District. We liked the atmosphere and in all had a great evening, ending it in a nice bubble bath in our claw foot tub (kept meaning to try that but haven’t gotten around to it yet). Well, that’s not exactly where we ended the evening but that’s going beyond pg-13 at that point. (TMI? Hey, you’re at Mama Need Java, what do you expect?!)

I’ve got some pics to upload one of these days, but my laptop is not reading my digital card. I think its due to the vista OS, but I’m not sure. Sometimes the drives aren’t recognized, built in webcam won’t work, things like that.

Well, potato leek soup is simmerin on the stove and Hubby has another evening off, so I’m going to get to dinner and write more later in the week. Just wanted to make sure it was clear that I didn’t drop of the face of the earth!