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I think it’s commonly assumed that “going green” will cost more — in cleaning products, wooden toys, organic foods, bio-diesel for the car and alternative energy electric bills! I’ve even been told that to stay on a budget, I should skip organic produce for awhile. (Maybe I’m just being picky, but I just don’t have a keen interest in chemical laced foods…)

Well, there are a few ways to go green without dishing out the extra dough for specialty “green” products and services, including:

• cleaning the house the old fashioned way (hydrogen peroxide, vinegar, baking soda, borax, etc - with cleaning towels and an regular ol’ mop),
• using cloth napkins instead of paper towels,
• buying natural, wooden toys used (or on extreme sale)
• joining an organic farm co-op or grow some of them yourself
• use a car-sharing program, mass transit, carpool, or walk and bike when possible.

I shared last week how tight our budget has been and how my grocery bill tends to be a little higher than I’d like. Well a sweet friend brought my attention to these local workshops regarding living a sustainable life on a budget! This lady has managed to feed a family of 4 on only $65 a week and has eliminated her trip to the grocery store all together, which is really quite impressive when you add that she does so while feeding them all organic, natural, sustainable foods. I hope to take the introductory class with some girlfriends and begin to reduce my grocery bill. If I could manage to spend only $60 a week, it would be a savings of $150 a month, which could go towards debt/savings/health care. I also can’t wait to learn more about canning, since our yard last year was literally SQUISHY with cherries, figs and apples while we wondered what to do with it all! If I get to one of these workshops, I’ll definitely report back with any great tips I learn.

In the meantime, we have been a lot more cautious of where our money is going, particularly if we are out as a family for the day. For example, we normally go to lunch of some sort on Sundays after church, and often this bill is anywhere between $15-30 bucks! This week we went to Cha Cha Cha’s and split a huge grilled veggie burrito, and chips and salsa, and waters between the three of us, for a grand total bill of $5.50, and it was plenty to hold us over until we got home for snacks later in the afternoon. (I wonder just how much that annoyed our waiter, lol!).

And I’m out of creamer for my coffee as of yesterday, but instead of going out to get creamer, I’m just switching to tea for awhile, lol. Baby steps, baby steps…

Today was better than yesterday (isn’t that always the case?!). I got to that dentist appointment, but only the cleaning today- so I could break up the cost between cleaning and x-rays. Turns out my chompers aren’t in too bad a shape, pretty darn good actually. I do have two fillings that are “compromised” and will need to be addressed because there is some decay in the crack/chip/edge(?). My flossing must be doing some good prevention, because my teeth and gums overall are healthy. And of course my wisdom teeth need to come out, like asap. I’m trying to just approach all of it one step at a time, financially unsure how this will all be covered but I’ve got a little time to think about all that.

Thank you, gals, for sharing your stories, and helping me remember that I am SO not the only one with a lot of debt to pay off or getting too busy and too broke to get my medical/dental stuff taken care of. I now suspect lots of mother’s of preschool aged kids are getting their first dental work and gyn visits in years!

There’s so much more to write about, regarding this idea of perspective, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your PERSPECTIVE), I have to get to work. More soon…

This post is going to be unabashedly honest.

I found out today that my dental check up tomorrow (cleaning and x-rays, the first one in two years) will cost a minimum of $250. I got them to agree to let me pay only $50 tomorrow and bill the rest so I can come up with that amount over the next 30 days. I told them, truthfully, that I don’t have $250 in all of my bank accounts or cash combined.

Then I went into my Vivian rampage and started printing out budget and income calculators and trying to figure out what planet I am on that we are always so flat broke.

First of all, we make less than I thought we did, and spend like we do. IF both my husband and I work at full capacity, we will gross around $3,600 a month. After taxes, we have $2,900 to use. Without going into the details, my rent and minimum monthly debt payments alone add up to $2,100. So we have $800 left.

$800 for gas and electric, internet access, cell phones, groceries, childcare, bus passes, savings, healthcare, clothes, haircuts, what have you.

After necessities that are not in my control come out, such as gas/electric/cell/internet/bus, we have $100 left.

Yeah. $100 dollars for 4 weeks of groceries? Since we don’t plan on eating brown rice, drumsticks and water everyday, that’s a tad impractical.

In fact, I looked closer at groceries, trying to see if I could narrow it down and trim and figure out what I need to get our basic foods each week, (this is an area I am not willing to scrimp much on, as you are what you eat and health is top priority). With the grocery calculator, I can’t see how we could spend less than $100 a week on groceries, let alone $100 a MONTH!

I know families make even less than this and make ends meet. I don’t know if they pay 1,100 a month in debt though. Sometimes we try to be frugal and other times we just give up, but we have managed to stay on top of bills for the most part. What’s the most disheartening is when it comes time to address the fact that my wisdom teeth have hurt me daily for years and that I had cavities I never filled TWO years ago at my last dental appointment, that NONE of us go for regular health checkups, not even Lil’ E, and I haven’t seen an GYN since his birth nearly 3 years ago, I am just at a loss as to how to actually survive.

Which reminded me why I hate to budget. All I see is failure and impossible numbers. So instead we just kinda keep going, hoping that we don’t borrow any new debts and that some how a little extra money will come in here and there to help us break even. Not a very nice way to live, though.

I don’t know if there is any solution to the situation. Hubby has been looking for a part-time job for hours every single day and hasn’t gotten any interest. He’s had about one interview a month but never a second one. It’s all just quite depressing, actually!

So give me some advice, some words of encouragement, because having to deal with crap like this AND get all of my hours in AND try to raise a 3 year old simultaneously has left me pretty bummed today.

(don’t email me. see comment button? its calling your name…)

Whew! The weather firefox add-on at the bottom of my browser is reporting “Now: Sunny, 76 F”, but I just don’t believe it. When the back of your knees are sweating, you know its hotter than hades.
Lil’ E is at nanny Anna’s today, having a ball, no doubt! The chicks are the backyard about to pass out. I am safely tucked away in the house at the moment, where the cool night temps linger. It seems like just last week I was worried about freezing out my newly planted tomato starters- and now the record high temps threaten to burn them up! Tomorrow it is supposed to reach nearly 100 degrees!

All of this is so full-circle, it really is. This time last year, I was selling the last of my belongings that weren’t already packed up. I was preparing to send Hubby off with our car on a 3,000 mile road trip while I finished up the house cleaning before Lil’ E and I flew not far behind him to our new home, Portland, on May 21st. Everything about Portland this time of year was captured by my senses because it was so new and exciting. I familiarized myself with all of the smells, like the lavender, rosemary and sage growing along the sidewalks, as if they were the encapsulated in and only in Portland. The summer heat was familiar, since in many ways the last 23 years of my life was one big summer in Florida. And the evenings were pure bliss, when the skin on my shoulders would tingle as the temperatures dropped off, giving me an excuse to grab a cute shaw and relishing the strange feeling of having stolen extra time by enjoying sunlight until at least 9 pm.

Then I made it through Portland’s grey, drizzly winter. I even made it through the up and down days of early Spring that can play mean tricks on you. I thought that the shift towards Summer would be mighty welcoming, but instead — I must admit — it is bittersweet. This time last year I was saying goodbye and hello so much that my soul was just buzzing from it all. Now the cycle of one year brings all the sights and smells and sounds back again, and all I can think about is that its been 12 months since I have been able to hug my dad, to share a good cry with Steph, or laugh a loud, tipsy laugh with my sister Rachel. And perhaps more depressing- I have no idea if it will be another year, or two, or five, before I will be able to do those things again. This economy and life have left us all pretty darn broke and busy, making the seven hour plane ride seem more like a trek on the “Oregon Trail”, where one will inevitably die of dysentery, or in the very least, lose twelve oxen along the way.

There is nothing to look forward to this time around. While I’ll enjoy the different aspects of Fall, Winter and Spring again, it just won’t be the first time. It won’t be the honeymoon- it will be the marriage. And we all know what marriage is like

Of course, there’s more to it than all of this. There’s a new presidency, (maybe a boost to the economy will create a new job for Hubby), or perhaps we will decide to do something wild and crazy together, (like have another human being with our DNA combination enter the world). Even the low-key, hum drum days of life will no doubt gift me with a nugget of satisfaction or drama, if I keep my eyes open.

Anyway, I’m waiting for June to settle in. Something tells me the grass will look greener in June.

I’ve shared here and there about my decisions surrounding childcare and work. I know so many moms struggle with it, and others maybe don’t, either because they are able and want to stay home with their kids or because they can afford childcare and want to work. There’s usually a lot more gray than that though. There are stay-at-home-moms that sometimes feel a twinge of embarrassment when some one asks, “And what do you do?” There are moms who work outside of the home and love it, but feel a sad or guilty whenever their SAHM friends recount the day they spent with their child at the zoo. There are WAHMs, of which I am one, who work from home, the “best of both worlds” as they say, struggling daily to get work done, retain sanity, and raise a child without Dora the Babysitter Explorer.

The topic itself has probably been exhausted beyond all reasonable desire to discuss it further- on television, in magazines, in playgroup, just about EVERYWHERE a mom goes. We all take some chunks and then go about life, trying to “do what’s best” for our unique families. No one quite knowing if they’ve got it right either way.  All of us loving our children so much.

My one and only, Lil’ E, will be turning THREE years old this summer. Simultaneously, a job I’ve been working for a looong time as a “temp” had an open full-time position, more or less created in hopes that I could move into it. The position sparkled with “best big companies to work for” kind of perks. It was so exciting to think about having a full-time permanent, salaried job with benefits and bonus’, a little travel, some routine and consistency. My initial thoughts? SURE, I can put Lil’ E in preschool every day, NO PROB!

Then I did the math.  Preschool, no matter how low I assumed the figured could go, would take a very large chunk of my income, nearly half of it. Taking Lil’ E to and from childcare would take 1.5 hours minimum out of my day, (and a perk of working from home is staying in pj’s and no commute!)

Even knowing that by taking the job and putting E in preschool would be an enormous financial strain, I was still ready to try making it work. Hubby and I would both keep part-time jobs to pay for childcare, we would do whatever it would take.

But in the end, as many of you know, it just wasn’t feeling “right”. I struggled with it every day and every night for a couple of weeks, and finally admitted to myself that there must be another plan for me. I did the opposite of the “planner” side in me and just decided late last week and over the weekend that I would not be applying for this job. I talked to my boss about it yesterday, so it is official.

And you know what? My decision has since been continually reaffirmed by little things and big things every where I go. I feel lighter and healthier than I have in like a year (even though I am also more broke than I have been in like a year!). Most interestingly, some one from a magazine found me over at VivianWrites and might have a consistent, flexible part-time use for me within the mag that would pay very close to what I am currently making at my “main” job, which is essentially going to be filled by a permanent employee while I lower my involvement to a very “as needed” basis.

I have also begun formulating the homeschool preschool “curriculum” (if you can call it that) that I will be using with Lil’ E for at least half of every day. I will have more flexible work, less conference calls and meetings, and be working slightly less than I have been over the passed year. I don’t have details planned out, which is a little weird for me, but since going with my gut, or maybe my heart, has been so far so good, I think I’ll ride this Surrender Train a little bit longer and see what sights I can view along the way.

What a strange passed few weeks I have had. I’m not sure where to begin and how much I am at liberty to share, but suffice to say that my employment situation (like the rest of the nations?!) has been in limbo (sort of?) and out playing golf and just plain driving the “planner” in me bonkers.

I love working, I really do, and I tell myself that I am darn lucky to do what I do, from home, even if I barely pay the bills, even if I feel Lil’ E is being neglected, even if I do not have the job security of permanent employment nor the perks of benefits or paid sick days. The long and short of it is part survival, part pleasure.

My (main) job has been more or less back and forth, one month I am planning for the inevitable discontinuation of my current role by brainstorming possible new careers (web design? in-home childcare again?) and the next month I am toying with the real possibility that I will be hired on permanently, which will be both a financial strain in some ways and simultaneously a great peace of mind. I struggle with seeing how things “work” out there in the great big world, where a job I already work can’t just be, well, my JOB. But I know life and corporations are more complicated than that and I try daily to leave things in God’s hands - while my captain insano “be prepared” speech turns on and I start worrying all night long about June 1st’s rent!

It’s fairly exausting to worry, as I am sure you all know. It’s not a positive energy and rarely leads to positive actions aside from getting you moving, which may or may not be what you actually need to be doing. Freud might say that being a “doer” is overcompensating for “dreamer” parents, who knows. Several people, some of whom know nothing about this situation in my life, have mentioned something along the lines of the following advice: Get to that quiet place where you can hear, and go from there.

In the meantime, let me tell you - this brain is so not quiet, and my body feels at times like its under panic attack for real! I know that the God I have relationship with is so so so darn good and true and faithful, and never once have I been regretful for surrendering my plans and worries over to him. At the same time, I am habitual in my efforts to take over and PLAN for Him, and not doing so takes concentrated effort just about every milli-second of the day.

That and two facts you will find rather TMI (”too much information”, for the grandparents): I have the first of these in like a decade and they are driving me crazy with preoccupation and additional worry AND I am SO this.

[/rant].

I plan to enjoy our last day with Ethan’s bud, Finn, on Friday, as the family we child-swap with will be moving to the east coast this weekend. We might meet a new childcare possibility the same day, more of a “nanny-share” (God, You’ve got a sense of irony about these things, don’t you?) This weekend expects to be a sunnier one than we’ve had as of late, and I plan to soak it up as much as realistically possible (Farmer’s Market on Saturday, some Coop building in the backyard, so on.) The fresh air always does me good, (one reason the carless thing is likely less of a big deal to me than it might otherwise be), so perhaps by early next week I will have some post’s for you of great fun and jubilation

Hope every one is having better luck in the future plans/economy/emotional health department - as my brother ALWAYS SAYS:

Can’t complain- Things could be a lot worse!

I was delighted with the information shared with us by Aaron and Joelle (who I have affectionately nicknamed “The Pretties” on Lost night: $3 dollar wine!

Am I the last to know about this??? While I dish out 8-20 dollars a bottle, there’s this extreme cheapo wine that’s really not half bad! Charles Shaw, you’ve saved Lost night (because Lord knows I can’t keep up with the goodies offered at the premiere!)

So we’re headed out to Trader Joe’s today for groceries (first time!) and I can’t wait to see if they have any other hidden cheap gems!

Gotta love a bargain!

EDIT*  OHMYGOSH I am a new BIG FAN of Trader Joe’s. How come so many people told me it was expensive!??! Since my nearest grocery store is Whole Foods, I found Trader Joe’s full, FULL of cheap foods. I mean, organic apples for 69 cents a pound?! Avocado’s for 75 cents each (this was the cheapest they ever went in central FL and that was at a produce stand so they were over ripe!) A quart of maple cream top yogurt (I normally pay $4-5 dollars for) was only about $2.50. Just about everything I found was 25-50% cheaper than I usually pay for it. This is my new grocery store, without a doubt!

So as many of you have probably guessed, Hubby’s unemployment has meant putting our dreams of the perfect preschool on hold. Which sort of means two additional hardships: a delay in my need for part-time childcare while I work from home and a delay in Lil’ E’s need for socialization with something other than the back of mommy’s laptop! Of course, for the time being the childcare part is taken care of by the stay-at-home dad, but we’re hoping that is very, very temporary.

Well, I am pretty hopeful that perhaps we’ve found a good solution, at least for one day a week! My mama-in-law brought this ad on UrbanMamas to my attention a few days ago. Today we met Amy, her husband, and their almost 2 year old son and our families seemed to really click. After stopping by their place this weekend, we’re going to move forward with the “childcare swap” idea and see how it goes! (Many thanks to my M.I.L.D.E.W. for doing something right, which it turns out, is pretty common… a little more like a M.I.L.D.E.R.)

So keep your fingers crossed that this is a mutually-beneficial set up that allows both Amy and I to get a whole day of work in sans toddler- without financially paying for it!!! woot-woot.

The Longer I Lay Here Lyrics
Artist(Band):Pedro The Lion

one, two, three, one ready go…
you’re up with the sunrise
and down when the work’s been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can’t lick this
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
someone to help me
help myself

Quite truthfully, Portland’s month of rain, rain and more rain is not really that bad. Maybe its the honeymoon phase. Perhaps I’m being idealistic. My survival mechanism is to go about life as usual, get on your jacket and head out. DO NOT STAY IN DOORS! Yes, the backyard is too soggy to play in, and the parks are pretty much the same. BUT the sidewalks and streets are filled with minor puddles on my way to indoor activities. Besides, without a car, staying out of the rain is hardly a choice. Walk we must, come rain or come shine. And its been a while since there was shine.

This morning, the clouds parted, and a very nice day broke through for a few hours. I was able to run out and feed the bunnies, take my counter composter to the bin, and inspect the vegetable garden a bit. It was enough to give me an itch for the glory days, namely, May-July when we had just moved here and the clear skies smelled of bloomin’ roses, and tulips and wild flowers greeted you at every turn!  I can hardly remember our yard, sprouting with overgrowth that covered the paths, a gorgeous display of colors so rich in beauty that we ran out to take pictures and eat strawberries from the garden all month.

But as I’ve told many of you, the rains have brought with them, for me, a nice kind of hibernation. Bears do it, bees do it, let’s fall in love- type of feeling. At first, I had to turn to St. John’s Wort to keep the dark couped-up mood at bay. But that only lasted about a month (I’m way too forgetful to have to take something for very long!) and it was enough to get my spirits up and get my lifestyle OUT of the house. Since then, I’ve welcomed the rain and cold as a much needed r&r for this gal whose spent the past 23 years in the Florida sun. LOOOOOVIN’ the cafe’s and bookstores with their bottomless cups of java and cute mittens on my hands to hold my mug. Still prefer it to climates so UN-wintery.

But must admit, sometimes those darn puddles just annoy the ever livin’ crap out of me. Sometimes the constant drizzle of rain that makes any work put into your hairdo completely worthless gets under my skin. Sometimes I get the urge to put on a bikini and grab a beach towel and lay out in the grassy backyard and have some good ol’ Vitamin D toast me up. Sometimes the darkness by 4 pm is just the most ridiculous concept and I literally contemplate how some one needs to write a report about it and hand it in to the Big Guy.

All this to say, I can SURE appreciate Portland’s amazing Spring/summer combination, and I can’t wait. Just a few more months that, if all goes as usual, will fly by and then, oh the joys we will see of our bulbs spring back to life, of the wisteria on the gazebo start popping with little green leaves, the wild flowers I hope to plant after the last frost start to liven up our curb-side appeal. Such images and thoughts keep my heart nice and toasty during this month. Needless to say, we’ve been reading lots of The Cat in the Hat lately, and I’ve scoured my Rainy Day Activities with Toddlers book a few times!

On a side note, my amazing and beautiful pride of my heart two year old finally, tearfully, could not hold his bladder while straddling his potty today. Having been given an amount of water equal to the Willamette River, he ended up peeing at least 5 times in two hours; 3 times in his potty, twice on the chair during dinner. Poor guy!!! BUT he was SO happy to finally “make water” in the potty and the difference was completely and utterly due to giving him a book to read while doing his business. Hmmm… both Hubby and I like reading material while we take our potty breaks, so I suppose its no wonder! We are interested/anxious to see how the next few days play out as we use diapers for only outings and night… particularly when it’s time for Lil’ E’s mid-morning Numero Dos.

Job Update: Hubby still working to find employment, part of the 5% of the nation we heard about last week. Has applied to upwards of 20 or so legitimate ads, in addition to unemployment agencies, with several follow up phone calls on his part but no leads as of yet. We are working to stay busy and positive and not blow any money we have because we are so depressed! I literally got on my knees in the shower yesterday praying for a job that would make my husband happy. I know some how that all this will turn out all right in the end. There are so so many people we know that are going through just incredible hardships right now, so it certainly puts us in the “can’t complain” category! Thank GAWD!

Hope you all are trudgin’ through your January’s with high spirits, by and large unaffected (at least negatively!) by whatever weather and life conditions you’re facing!