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Thank you for all the bedtime stories.

It’s that time again… FALL!

Wow — I canNOT believe this is my second Fall as a Portlander. So many things have changed in the last year, it’s amazing how nature just keeps on keepin on, without a so much as a nod towards the upheavals my personal life has experienced!

Like last year, day to day functions get a little more complex during the fall/winter months. From commutes to grocery shopping, we make a few adjustments.

Hubby started his bicycle commute to work and back (9 miles total) this past weekend, which will give him a work-out and save us $75 mo. on bus tickets. The weather is still nice so it’s a good time to start the new routine.

Today I will begin getting my local produce bins from Organics to You again. Being pregnant, it is now even more important to eat plenty of fresh, local/organic fruits and vegetables, so I have upped our order from “small bin” to “kids bin” :). Today the following will arrive at my doorstep (a very exciting moment!):

1 pkge. Hardy Anna Kiwi Berries - *LOCAL*
4-5 Flavor King Pluot - *LOCAL*
4 Nectarine - *LOCAL*
4-5 Bartlett Pears - *LOCAL, farm direct*
1lb. Concord Grapes - *LOCAL*
3 Gala Apples - *LOCAL*
4-5 Gingergold Apples - *LOCAL*
5-6 Bananas
1/2lb. Raisins
1 bunch Carrots - *LOCAL, farm direct*
2 Corn - *LOCAL*
1 Green Cabbage - *LOCAL, farm direct*
3-4 Tomatoes - *LOCAL, farm direct*
1/2 Green Beans - *LOCAL, farm direct*
1-2 Winter Squash(Acorn, butternut) - *LOCAL, farm direct*
1 Onion - *LOCAL*
1 bunch Broccoli - *LOCAL*
1 Celery - *LOCAL, farm direct*

Another big change happening this Fall? Lil’ E begins playschool today! In 15 minutes he’ll hop on his little red bike and ride next to me as we trek the whole 1/2 mile to his new playschool, Mon-Thurs. from 9-1pm. I am so glad to have found an affordable, LOCAL, educational group of kiddos and teacher who can provide him with the interaction and socialization he so needs at this age. (And provide me with the quiet home for a few hours that I so need for work time!)

Yep, the seasons never stop changin’, heh?

My dear ol’ dad in all his wisdom spoke with me today about suffering, both my own and that of so many others who have a uniquely heartbreaking story to tell. (He’s a little like Mr. Miagi or Yoda sometimes, but with better grammar. “kaleidoscope is human suffering inter-woven meaning, yes?”)

I don’t know why life is so hard sometimes. I don’t know why humans hurt each other, sometimes just selfishly,  but sometimes brutally. I don’t know why children are abused or babies die. I don’t know why people worry about where their next meal will come from or how they will pay rent. Sometimes life doesn’t seem very painful - count your blessings for such a season - because, somehow or another, sometime or another, shit hits the fan for everyone it seems.

What are we to do with it? How do we make meaning out of it? How do we learn from it, grow and support others when they go through it? How do we feel loved by Someone Greater in the midst of it?

Sometimes it creates la noche oscura del alma, or the dark night of the soul, an english professor once told me, in reference to St. John of the Cross’ poem. I can certainly attest to this dark night lately. It’s a desolate place, and all attempt at faith seems futile. I just hope mine doesn’t last for 45 years like it did for the saint.

The Dark Night of the Soul

One dark night,
fired with love’s urgent longings
- ah, the sheer grace! -
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

In darkness, and secure,
by the secret ladder, disguised,
- ah, the sheer grace! -
in darkness and concealment,
my house being now all stilled.

On that glad night,
in secret, for no one saw me,
nor did I look at anything,
with no other light or guide
than the one that burned in my heart.

This guided me
more surely than the light of noon
to where he was awaiting me
- him I knew so well -
there in a place where no one appeared.

O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover.

Upon my flowering breast
which I kept wholly for him alone,
there he lay sleeping,
and I caressing him
there in a breeze from the fanning cedars.

When the breeze blew from the turret,
as I parted his hair,
it wounded my neck
with its gentle hand,
suspending all my senses.

I abandoned and forgot myself,
laying my face on my Beloved;
all things ceased; I went out from myself,
leaving my cares
forgotten among the lilies.

I have thrown together this very basic picture guide to showcase the highlights of our chicken coop in case any one wants to build something similar. It was designed and built by a friend of ours, though we pretended to be useful, and made of almost entirely recycled materials. It is big enough for 3 backyard hens and of course does not need to have a rabbit hutch on the first floor. Download The Hen House here for free Enjoy!

Of course, if you’re feeling particularly generous, you can donate to my paypal below by clicking on the beer mug

Catching up with old friends - sometimes it is lovely, (think tea time), and you simply pick up where you left off. Other times it is filled with awkward conversation as it quickly dawns on you that time has moved in and set up permanent camp in the Sea of Differences between you.

Now is the time to catch up on my blog and, I gotta say, this could go either way. I mean, we might as well get that out there, right? And because I already know that I’m going to mainly post some slideshows for a visual “catch up” reference, I’d say its leaning towards the awkward conversation.

So let’s see…

I went out to the woods for a “retreat time” with my Hub a few weeks ago, while my in-laws came to spoil Lil’ E with zoo and museum trips sans parents. To be completely honest, I didn’t get everything out of my time in the woods that I wanted to, and it was cut a little shorter than I would have hoped due to the whole lack of car thing. I realized what I really needed was alone time, and nothing short of two weeks will really suffice, lol. With jobs to fulfill, a toddler to raise, a marriage to rebuild, and bills to pay, that is not at all likely to happen. So how does a pregnant mother in times of high stress achieve the space for peace and clarity? Since the most alone time I get is when I take a shower, I have am not the one to ask! I’d say you can pretend to take 2 hour showers, but that’s a lot of wasted water.

The weekend following my “time away”, my friend/client/superior booked a last minute flight out here for some one-on-one training. It was really a fun day on Saturday, as I brought her around Portland, the Farmer’s Market, a cool button shop that would have fit so well in a town like Stars Hollow, and lastly, dinner at Andina’s. The only downside was that the dinner at Andina’s didn’t come out nearly as well as it went down. I will spare you the gruesome details, but suffice it to say that pregnancy nausea does not mix well, AT ALL, with octopus kabobs and scallops in white wine. Three days later, my digestive system began to recover. Isch! The ironic thing is that I lost 5 pounds after all of that, so I am officially at the same weight I was when I was first pregnant with Lil’ E. But as I regain health, I am terribly hungry, so I doubt that will last! Veggie burgers, come to mama!

This weekend, as in tomorrow, we are planning to go camping with 75 other families from our church. As you might imagine, I’ve been too busy to find our tent, if we even have one, or pack or shop for food. Luckily, we have a ride!

Other than this, life has been happening at its normal insane pace, filled with all the little morsels of detail that make it interesting. Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts, but I’m trying to maintain a little normalcy when possible. Needing some affordable option for childcare is a constant source of back-and-forth in my mind. It’s amazing to me that any woman could spend nearly every waking hour with their children, particularly women who work from home. I’ve never missed my childcare-swap and one-day-per-week-drop-off options more than I do lately! Particularly when I about drop around 4pm from fatigue that is so uncanny it can only be blamed on pregnancy hormones, lol.

Okay, so enough complaining catching up - here’s those great slideshows I promised earlier!

… I will get some pictures of my time out in the woods last weekend on here. But not today!
One of my work clients flew in last night for a long weekend of training me, (poor them!), so I won’t be around much. More next week, hopefully!

having these little (ha!) not-unrealistic-just-necessary needs –
recognition always a little unnerving.
don’t you see that in my own hands I’m churning
the cream of my pain and the fat of my heartache?
(one of these days my perseverance will be buttery.)
always taught to steer clear of self-pity, now I am told to FEEL
all of my “this is so unfair”’s and “I don’t deserve this”’.
learning the futility of questions beginning with “why?”
learning the injustice of statements containing “should”
I am a woman, a mother, a Princess Warrior say some,
but
usually just a stupid kid.
Inadequacy, Shame and Self-accusations are the three balls
at the end of the chain that I carry;
I took them on too long ago to remember how it all began.
I try to lay them down, lay them down, lay them down;
try to saw them off, saw them off, saw them off;
so silly, these attempts at freedom because
deep down, (twisted heart of mine), I still agree I need them.
Fist to the wind, I’ll curse and I’ll spit
until all that raging has left me empty -
powerless -
exhausted -
ready
to take a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty step forward.

I just want to take a sec to thank all of you who have been so supportive and encouraging about the whole bun in the oven thing. Some of you have even really listened in the last few days to me share my general state of disillusionment/identity crisis/not-so-excited feelings and thoughts, which is such a nice thing to be able to share and find acceptance and understanding. (Funny and touching story- a boss/client really warmed my heart today: upon hearing the news he rushed to hug me -several times- with tears in his eyes, kissing my cheek and saying “MAZAL TOV!” I really believe his fatherly excitement was a gift from God that I was needing, striking an emotional chord for me.)

It’s strange the way some situations are such a refining process, and even gift you with a glimpse at who in your life is truly worth their weight in gold. I am so fortunate to have such a loving community in my church, friends, colleagues, counselors and family. What might be thought of in one perspective as “cons”, they can see as something deeper and usher me into brokenness and trust with their gentle, selfless, honest words of wisdom. What did I do to deserve such grace? (The answer - NOTHING!)

This weekend the Hubs and I are headed out to a time of reflection and solitude in the woods, lol. Armed with a cooler of snacks and some books, and no plan whatsoever, we hope to go places we’ve never been before. I’m amazed by life.

The month of June was packed with the “events” surrounding the *last* thing I ever imagined happening. Some of you know, some of you might imagine, some of you are clueless, but suffice it to say that it flipped my world upside down, for what seemed like the worst -but in the end has been for the much, much better. For me, what has followed for 2 months now, and will for a loooong while to come, has been recovery, plain and simple. Well, it’s never really that simple. With eyes wide open, with an amazing support network, I trudge on, one 24 hour period at a time.

During the month of July, the second *last* thing I ever imagined happening did. Little did I know it, much to my surprise and complete lack of intention (and a “hear, hear” for the sheer irony of life). While I seriously believed Lil’ E to be my only child for possibly ever, turns out that won’t be the case. With a clear “pregnant” signal from two tests today, I discovered the news of next year’s April baby.

While my first thought was to keep this fact undisclosed for as long as possible, I quickly searched my heart and realized that as part of recovery, I cannot operate out of fear of rejection and “what others think”. This is my life, my business, and God has me covered. So it’s all good. Might as well let the cat out of the bag and get it over with - as I continue to be responsible for my own footprints, as loving and gentle with myself and the man I call “Hubby” as possible. I continue to take my life one day at a time, and a little less seriously.

Negative input strictly forbidden from entering this blog, my email address, or phone lines, please Only God and I know the beauty in this circumstance, which as far as I am concerned is one that does not effect the former (June) in the least. No matter what lies behind me or ahead of me, I know that true gratitude can be my response.

Way cool for our friend Heath to offer his handyman skills, tools, and scrap wood to turn our terribly makeshift coop/run into a glorious two level paradise

While I can take NO credit for this masterpiece, I want to thank Heath and his assistant Hubby for spending the entire day, in 90-100 degree weather, putting this baby together. What a team! (like, seriously, the Heath and Amy tribe - consider your egg needs covered for YEARS as payment for this help!)

Since I did nothing but get in the way, lol, I spent the evening with the kiddos, Heath and Amy’s 4 yr old Ben. It is SO funny to listen to two preschool boys talk! While eating their dinner after a long bubble bath, I hear Ben tell Lil’ E, “What a great way to spend a very hot day - eating good spaghetti and drinking ice cold water!” LOL

Since the chickens are now blessing us with a dozen or so eggs a week, I can’t tell you how excited I am to have them in a coop and run that I can keep clean and contained. They are getting more and more accustom to our presence and each have their own little personalities. My girls!

Below are some more random pics from the last several weeks. Enjoy!

Singin’ the Doxology Song at the Creek after Baptism - couple of weeks ago… (Yes, you do hear Lil’ E saying, “I don’t know that song!”)