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Just in from another short, brisk (51 degree) walk to playschool. This morning I am remarking to myself at just how tired I am sometimes. Can anyone else relate to the feeling that you are so burnt out that you just want to stop moving for awhile? I had a weird dream last night that I was 14 years old and telling my (now deceased) grandmother that I planned to get scholarships through college (which happened) by making straight A’s and being involved in extracurricular activities (the following year I was a cross-country runner, varsity basketball cheerleader, key club member, honor society member, treasurer of my class in student government, played viola in orchestra, in a school play, in art club, worked part-time 15 hours per week, in fellowship of christian athletes, and involved in youth group - all as a freshman in high school.) When I woke up and thought about this, and how hard I pushed myself to do so many things (and never felt I did any of them particularly well because I was so spread out), it is no wonder that I am feeling like I’m at the end of my life instead of the beginning!

When one thing ended, I was already sticking my foot in the next (taking high school courses in middle school and summer school before beginning high school, then planning a wedding by the time I started college, then planning a birth by the time I finished college, etc) that I never got a break. I wish I would have not been so performance driven. I could have done half the things I did and still gotten scholarships through school, but I felt that most people my age were burning the candle at both ends, as my dad used to warn me, so I had to keep up. I wish I had known that life doesn’t slow down unless and until you are lucky enough to retire, and I might as well enjoy my childhood first so I don’t feel like an old maid at 24!

My counselor told me last week that what I just described is textbook for motherless daughters - those of us who didn’t have the role model of a wonderful, yet imperfect, woman - so we constantly tried to measure up to an obscure ideal, as a student, worker, women, wife and mother. I’ll try to write more about my journey into realizing what that all means when I have figured it out a bit more myself. There’s a list of “missing mother syndrome” characteristics in the link above that I highly relate to, esp the last few:

• You experience social stress - you either try to stay invisible, or you have a compulsion to be in the limelight
• You feel homesick without knowing where “home” is
• You are trying too hard to be happy and “perfect”
• You take rejection very personally
• You believe that everybody else gets their act together - except for you

****************************
Becoming a mother at 21 after pushing myself this hard really changed my world. The patience it takes to listen to my 3 year old son ramble and ask questions for 10 minutes while we walk to playschool is exhausting, and the weight I feel lifted when I drop him off is existential! I relish the quiet house when I return; I want to bottle up the silence and release it in my ear every time I get overwhelmed with the noise of motherhood. I love my son to pieces, but I feel sometimes like I can barely express it because its bundled under so much fatigue and distraction with work, marriage, and the rest of life. I know all mother’s of young children, especially those you are the primary caregiver, feel this way. It’s tiring, and I’ve been doing it for 3.5 years without much relief (luckily with only one). I can’t even imagine the pure exhaustion of single-mothers, who don’t have a husband like mine who comes home sweaty from riding his bike home from work nearly 5 miles away, only to start doing dishes, dinner, and putting the kid to bed for you! It’s just amazing to me that they do as well as they do, with such little support. I just pray for my sanity and emotional health as I anticipate starting all over with diapers and breastfeeding in April. Like I said, motherhood changed my world.

By the way, I loved the women’s retreat last weekend. Too bad it wasn’t an entire week (or month, or year!). It’s amazing how connected we all are by our feelings, despite the varying situations effecting our lives. It’s amazing how many of us struggle to leave the house in order to participate in community and fellowship with each other, and were pleasantly surprised at how nice it was to talk and make meals all weekend with people you hardly knew! I needed it, and as the weekly routine begins again I am seeing just how much I needed it! God is good.

cardboard children hold signs that read “SLOW DOWN!”

slick wet leaves blanket the sprawl beneath their mother trees.

quiet here,
save the distant beeping of a work truck and
some rattling glass from a homeless man’s bag of collections.

large historic bungalows - with classy face-lifts;
large windows and front porches
high rocky lawns and japanese maples.

sky is a pure and consistent #EDEDED

one yard has a red wagon left out,
turned upside down
no doubt in the hurry in for supper

now the overriding noise is my boots crunching
colorful piles of fall underfoot
layered thick on the sidewalk

I smell nothing but fresh, wet air and
the occasional wood burning chimney smoke

keep breathing
keep walking
keep feeling
keep living
keep healing.

Check it out

Despite the ugly remarks I read on facebook this morning from a few conservative christians who, unfortunately, refuse to recognize the kingdom of God is alive and strong regardless of their disappointment in a democratic president elect- I am smiling this morning.

I want to be careful here. I know not every one was hoping for an Obama presidency. Some were downright praying that things would specifically go the other way- (I picture God chuckling a bit at all those well-intentioned prayers! Oh me, oh my.) I hope that those who didn’t favor Obama will be able to move passed their disappointment and join the rest of American’s in hoping for a better future, in supporting and praying for the safety and guidance of our newly elected officials, from the sheriffs to the president. (Hold him to his promise for change - join the petition here!)

As my bff reminds me, and as Derek Webb sings, there will never be a Savior on capital hill. Neither Obama nor McCain rode white horses during this election, (thank goodness!). It is God who has the whole world in His hands, and while those facebookers I spoke of might be filled with dread and fear, I am filled with hope and peace that the message of Christ - the real gospel of good news to the oppressed, to the minorities, to the wealthy and greedy, to those clinging to a religion that has been decaying under the diminishing (if not long gone) modern era and the so called “religious right” of domineering agendas, to the countries around the world who have grown to despise us under the current presidency, - that true message of the Bible, of love, justice, peace and giving will thrive and flourish under the new one.

Will mistakes be made? Most certainly - no matter who was elected last night. But we have the chance now to begin to correct some of the policies that have damaged us in the past. My prayer now is for this country to move forward under new leadership. Today is a new day.

Now I’m going to finish a cup of “holiday blend” coffee and get to work, which will top off my happy morning so superbly that my toes feel as though they might sing jingle bells!

Oh- I forgot to mention - I am going away this weekend on a Women’s Beach Retreat with other Evergreen (church) ladies! I am doing breakfast on Sat. morning, bringing my french press and grinder, my book for book club (Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe), some chick flicks and board games! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Props to you Florida voters! You’ve amazed me!

Watch the states close - live!

P.S. http://www.sojo.net/blog/godspolitics/?p=3283
This is exactly how I feel as a christian when I hear/read from conservative Christians that somehow voting for Obama is less Christian than voting for McCain. I’ve been reading “The Left Hand of God” this month, which is a wonderful book on politics and faith in America, and Jim Wallis echos much of the inspired insights from this book in this letter (linked above), which is a response to an ugly fear tactic James Dobson recently launched from Focus on the Family.
As I am watching the states close, it still seems things could go either way tonight. But what is so surprising to me is the Christian conversations I have been a part of in the past month and how deeply those who claim to vote based on faith based issues have implied that other Christ-followers who are voting for Obama do not value life.
Very well said, Jim.

Sittin’ here scouring the ballot descriptions, trying to figure out how to vote beyond the presidency, lol. I love Momsrising.org and highly recommend getting involved if you’re a mom voter! Head over there to register- its not too late!

Raining. Bleh.

The past few days have been so FuNkY. I’m in a weird mood- don’t like it. Mostly when dealing with/thinking about the future, my family, my feelings about the pregnancy. I don’t know, just all… ahgst. Mixed up.

Today is Lil’ E’s 4th Halloween, (oh, he was the cutest 3 month old lion ever). What are we up to? Eating banana waffles and watching Sesame Street. Did I mention I’ve been in a seriously weird mood for several days? That too. I think its a hormonal surge in some ways (boobs hurt, uterus cramps, irritated), maybe the baby is growing or something. I don’t remember anything eventful about week 16-17 last time, but who really knows? I’m already tired of being pregnant, which is hilarious since I have potentially 25 weeks/6 months left! But I’m the kind of gal who could be tired of being pregnant if I even THOUGHT about being pregnant. There’s nothing appealing to me about not being able to sleep on my tummy at night, throwing up, having heartburn, ‘rhoids, hormones, swollen tetas, fatigue, forgetfulness, and ravishing hunger! That’s not even mentioning childbirth. Of course, there’s the joy of a new baby and all (depending on how you envision THOSE first three months).

Well, enough being a damper on the whole thing. But hey, if I can’t say it on my blog, where can I say, right? lol

1. What day is it again? (No way, Wednesday?! October is almost over?! What the hell?!)

2. What can I come up with for dinner? (*meanders in kitchen, perched in front of open fridge*)

3. Who just ate those 3 servings of breakfast? (me? nooooo….)

4. Why is there no money in my bank account?! (*doesn’t even try to answer this to oneself, just moves on*)

5. Why did I move to Portland?! (*misses family something terrible, but remembers how dreadful Florida is and how beautiful Portland is and tries to see the glass as half full*)

6. Where did I put my cell phone? (*then decides, who really cares, I never answer it anyway*)

7. Who in their right mind would vote for McCain?! (*then remembers I know several people who will and that it is not a rhetorical question… which makes it a bit more mean so I try to get it out of my head*)

8. Why did I give up driving, again?! (*oh yeah, I save hundreds each month, get lots of exercise and fresh air, don’t pollute mother earth with gas, and enjoy extended amounts of family time via foot or pedal. So the few times per month that having no car is a royal pain in the arse and I curse the day we sold it are worth it.*)

9. Where did the day go?! It’s time to sleep ALREADY? (the pain in my upper shoulders aggressively reminds me it was spent hunched over my laptop in fervent work.)

10. Why is there never enough money for all the food I want to eat?! (puzzling this one right now. I came up with, “because I’m a broke pregnant glutton who can’t appreciate those in third world countries who live on grains and beans and dirty water” )

What questions do you ask yourself a lot?

Last night we (found a ride, woo hoo, thanks Amy!) went to the church Halloween Party. It was PACKED so I hardly saw anyone, as I stayed low with the kiddos and helped with a few activities. It was really fun to dress up as a 30’s couple with Chris- who knew how well we look as a Depressed Era couple? (If I only had a dollar for every “How appropriate!” we heard regarding our choice of costumes!) Lil’ E insisted on being a ghost, even when we offered a nice store bought pirate or knight costume. So in the end I had about 20 minutes to strip apart some white pillow cases, do a bit of sewing, and paint his face so he could be a friendly ghost!

I take full responsibility for this: